Author's Chapter Notes: Will’s finally knocked some sense into John, but can John do the same with Elizabeth? Just two chapters left!!!!!!
Chapter Sixteen
He’d spent the rest of the night sitting beside Emily’s bed, watching her sleep. He’d missed so much of her life. Missed her birth, her first steps, her first word, birthdays. He’d missed everything, yet here she was, and he had the opportunity to make up for all that. John knew he could never get those years back, the ones stolen from him the moment he was enslaved, but he could be there for all the years to come. What bothered him was whether he could even be sure of that. He and Elizabeth weren’t together. And they’d said nothing of how they were going to ‘share’ Emily. Would she spend a few nights with him, then a few nights with Elizabeth? Was that even fair to Emily? They’d be throwing her back and forth like a rag doll, and the image left an unsavory aftertaste in his mouth.
Maybe the answers he needed were right in front of him. He needed to know a few things, and there was only one person who could give the answers he was seeking. Gently he nudged his daughter, pulling her from her dreams. Emily yawned, slowly opening her eyes and looking at him. She immediately smiled. “Hey Daddy… is it morning yet?”
“Just about sweet heart… I just needed to wake you to ask you a few things,” he explained.
Slowly Emily turned on her back and sat up, giving him her full attention while fighting off the fog having just woken up. “What you wanna know Daddy?”
John smiled. Daddy… he’d never get tired of hearing her say that. “Do you think your Mom’s happy?” He supposed asking a six year old such a question wasn’t exactly his best idea, but he needed to hear it from her.
Emily shrugged. “I guess so… but I think she’s happier now that you’re back! She missed you.”
Sheppard frowned. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been to know he was gone, then to learn she’d be having HIS child… children. It must have been heart breaking, to know your child might never know their father. “And you… were you happy?”
Emily paused for a second. “Yeah, but I’m glad you’re here now. It’s nice having a real Dad. Will was a pretty good one, but Mommy says there’s nothing like the real thing,” Emily told him, making him chuckle.
He hesitated on his last question, unsure whether it might upset her to ask. Still, he needed to know. “Emily… you’re friends… on the mainland, most of them have Mommies and Daddies that live together as a family. And then the children are raised by them. Did you… did you ever wish you had that?”
He knew immediately what her answer would be; he could see it in her eyes, see the sadness there. “I guess… but Mommy says I’m lucky. I’ve got my Grandma, uncles who love me; Will… and now I have you. Sometimes we don’t get what we want, but we do get what we need.” She was wise beyond her years, but he could tell along with such wisdom she’d lost bits of her innocence. It wasn’t fair to her, and the fact that she’d had to live that way made his heart ache.
John blinked back the tears, pulling his daughter into a hug, holding her as tight as he could. “You know I love you don’t you?”
“I know Daddy.”
“And I’ll always be there for you, sweet heart. I’ve missed too much already.” Finally he let go of her and kissed her forehead. “Go back to sleep. You need you’re rest.”
“What about you Daddy?”
John just smiled. “Don’t worry about me, just sleep. I’ll see you in the morning,” he promised and watched her lay back down, closing her eyes to sleep.
Just as he was about to leave Emily opened her eyes. “Daddy?”
John froze, looking back down at his daughter. “Yeah baby?”
Emily frowned. “Are you happy?”
She was a child, a little girl, but she’d never know how much the question had shaken him. Was he? Could he really say he was happy? He knew he had been once… a long time ago. It had only lasted one night, but it had been the happiest night of his life… the night he’d unknowingly made Emily Weir. “I am now… I have a great kid after all,” he whispered, kissing Emily’s cheek. “Now go to sleep.”
Emily nodded before closing her eyes and slowly fell back into her slumber. Then finally he stood and silently left, sneaking past Carson who was sleeping at his desk and walked out of the infirmary.
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He knew he was going to get it the next morning. Carson would kill him if he found out, but John just didn’t care anymore. He had to talk to Teyla. Sheppard watched her sleep, thinking back to all the nights they’d sent together in slavery over the years, thinking back to the nights he’d stayed up and watched her sleep, wishing he could give her everything she deserved. He did love her, she was an amazing woman, brilliant, and wise, but he’d never been able to love her the way she should be loved… he’d never really been able to love her with everything he had, with all his heart. She knew that just as well as he had, that no matter what he did he could never love her that way. He’d just never known why… until just recently when a man he’d barely known had somehow figured him out before John had.
Slowly he kissed Teyla’s forehead, awakening her from sleep.
“John? What are you doing here? You should be in the infirmary!” she said sleepily.
“Shhhh… it’s okay… I’m fine. I just needed to talk to you.”
“John, what could you possibly want to discuss at this time of night that couldn’t wait until morning?”
John frowned, sitting on the bed, looking away. “Teyla… do you love me?”
“Of course I do,” she said.
John shook his head. “No I mean… do you REALLY love me? Am I really the one for you? What if those years we spent together were only made a reality because we were enslaved together? Would we really be here if we hadn’t gotten captured?”
“What are you talking about?” she asked confused.
John sighed. “When we were enslaved… all we had was each other. And it brought us together… what we shared, but what if… what if we were only doing what we needed to do to survive? Would things have turned out like this if we hadn’t been taken?”
Teyla paused. “To tell you the truth… I don’t really know.”
John looked down at her. “I think you do, Teyla. Just… tell me… I need to know the truth. Would we have ended up together if it wasn’t for what we went through?” He was begging her now, begging her to let him go, to let him out of the relationship they’d shared. He did love her, but he knew now that it wasn’t enough. He needed more. He wanted a family… he wanted Elizabeth.
Teyla frowned, suddenly understanding. “I’m… not sure,” she whispered sadly. “But with the child you share with Elizabeth, I do not believe so,” Teyla finally told him.
John nodded. “She needs me, Teyla… they both do. And I’m starting to realize… that I need them too. Both of them. I’ve never had a real family before… this is my chance. I lived in a broken home. My father left when I was little… my mom worked all day and some nights. I practically raised myself. I want Emily to have the father I never had… I want to be there for Elizabeth the way my dad should have been there for my mom. I want her to have a family, Teyla. And truth be told, I want to support Elizabeth, to raise Emily with her. I don’t want to take turns. I want a family.”
“I understand, John. You… love Elizabeth. And you love Emily.”
John closed his eyes, looking away. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be… I knew… when I learned we would be returning home I knew,” Teyla whispered, resting a hand on John’s shoulders. “Go….”
John opened his eyes, surprised by her words. “Teyla I-“
“Go, John. I’ll be fine.”
Finally John smiled before he pulled her in his arms and kissed her cheek. “I do love you Teyla.”
“I know that too.”
John’s smile grew as he let her go and stood, walking to the door. “Thanks Teyla… for everything.”
Teyla nodded, although he could see the sadness in her eyes, he knew she’d be alright. They’d both be alright. “John, leave… and I expect to find you back in the infirmary once you have done what you need to do, is that understood?”
John laughed at that. “Yes ma’am!” he teased, giving her a less than perfect salute.
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He wasn’t sure what’d he’d say or do, wasn’t even sure if he COULD say what he wanted to say. Elizabeth was a hard woman to figure out. One minute it was as if there were perfect strangers and the next it was as if they were the best of friends. She was a mystery sometimes, one he’d yet to solve. Slowly he stopped at her room, taking in a breath before knocking softly so as not to draw attention. When nothing happened he knocked a little louder until finally he heard fumbling behind the door and a soft, “I’m coming!”
She was beautiful, even so late at night. Her hair was all over the place from sleep, she looked tired, her robe barely covering the nightgown she had underneath. She was absolutely adorable… and he was absolutely in love.
“John?! What the hell are you doing here?! You should be in the infirmary!”
John frowned. “Elizabeth, please, just let me in; I’ll go back to the infirmary later.”
“No, you’ll go now! Carson’s probably worried sick!”
“He was asleep last I saw him, Elizabeth.”
“I don’t care; go back to the infirmary, John! That’s an order, you shouldn’t be here, we don’t even know if you’re completely recovered yet!”
“Elizabeth!” he finally shouted, stopping her from saying anything more. “Please, I need to talk to you… now,” he told her softly.
Elizabeth frowned, surprised by his tone. “What could you possibly need to talk to me about that made you think you could LEAVE the infirmary at these late hours?”
John sighed, not exactly sure what to say. He knew what he felt, but after what had gone between her and Will, should he really be at her door? Was she still in love with Will? Would she even want anything to do with him? Could she really love him the way he loves her? Sheppard knew he was scared, scared of how she felt, scared of whether she’d turn him down, but he also knew if he went back now he’d regret it for the rest of his life. Taking another breath, he followed his heart and said the first thing that came to his mind. “Elizabeth… I love you.”
Elizabeth stared at him, her eyes wide, and her mouth slightly open, as if she’d just gotten electrocuted. It took her a moment to get it together. “Yeah… then I guess we do need to talk,” she finally agreed, moving aside to let him in.
John smiled, walking past her, brushing her lightly as he passed. “That’s what I said….”
Elizabeth closed the door behind him and took a seat. “What’s this really about, John? What do you mean, you love me? Is this about Emily?”
John looked around Elizabeth’s room. She was confused, in shock… so was he. There were pictures in her living room… pictures of Emily. One was of Emily on Will’s back, her arms wrapped around him, laughing as he took her for a ride. Another was of Ronan and Rodney on the beach. Rodney had a black shirt and black and yellow happy face swim trunks. His arms were folded as he glared at Ronan. Ronan had his own swim trunks, but his were red and he was purposely showing off his muscles, making a pose. The last was a picture of an older woman and a young man, with Emily in between them, her arms around them both. He could only see their faces, but they were all smiling. “Who’s that?”
“My mother and my nephew,” Elizabeth whispered, looking down.
“I didn’t know you had a nephew.”
“My older brother died in a car accident ten years ago. His wife and his son took it hard, but they got through. They live in Washington D. C. now near my mom. That was taken a year ago at my nephew’s birthday party. He’s turning twenty-one in a few months.”
John knew he was stalling. He also knew she knew he was stalling, but she’d let it go, waiting from him to get himself together. Finally he took a seat on the couch where she sat, looking straight ahead, sighing.
“You never answered my question… is this about Emily?”
John shook his head.
“Then what is it about?”
“You,” he whispered, looking up to meet her gaze. “I don’t want us to have a load of regrets when Emily’s grown up. I don’t want to pass her back and forth between us like a tennis ball. And I don’t want to keep ignoring that night before I was kidnapped. I do love you Elizabeth. I’ve loved you ever since that night… maybe even before it.”
“What about Teyla?” she asked softly.
John shook his head. “We both knew it wasn’t meant to be. It was just so easy to break it off… easier than it ever should have been. It was never that easy being away from you for so long. No more regrets Elizabeth… I’m done with it. For once it’s time for us to do something right… we did it once when we made Emily… why can’t it be like that again?”
He waited for her to answer his question; he could see the conflict in her eyes. “I can’t.”
“You can’t or you won’t?”
“How can you be so sure that we’re meant to be together? How can you possibly be that sure-“
John didn’t let her finish, he gently took her face in his hands and rested his lips on hers, kissing her with every bone in his body, telling her what words could never say, giving up himself. When finally they needed air he pulled away, his eyes holding her own. “That’s how,” he whispered to her.
This was it. She would either push him away, or give him a chance. She didn’t speak, just stared at him as he let her go, still holding her gaze, his eyes pleading for her to give him something… some kind of answer.
Finally she gave him an answer, but he wasn’t prepared at all. “I love you too, John.”
To Be Continued….
A/N: Just two more chapters left!!!!!! Let me know what you thought! At least I didn’t give you the cliffhanger I was planning on giving you! Be very happy!!!!!!! And please review:D You know you wanna!!!!!!
He’d spent the rest of the night sitting beside Emily’s bed, watching her sleep. He’d missed so much of her life. Missed her birth, her first steps, her first word, birthdays. He’d missed everything, yet here she was, and he had the opportunity to make up for all that. John knew he could never get those years back, the ones stolen from him the moment he was enslaved, but he could be there for all the years to come. What bothered him was whether he could even be sure of that. He and Elizabeth weren’t together. And they’d said nothing of how they were going to ‘share’ Emily. Would she spend a few nights with him, then a few nights with Elizabeth? Was that even fair to Emily? They’d be throwing her back and forth like a rag doll, and the image left an unsavory aftertaste in his mouth.
Maybe the answers he needed were right in front of him. He needed to know a few things, and there was only one person who could give the answers he was seeking. Gently he nudged his daughter, pulling her from her dreams. Emily yawned, slowly opening her eyes and looking at him. She immediately smiled. “Hey Daddy… is it morning yet?”
“Just about sweet heart… I just needed to wake you to ask you a few things,” he explained.
Slowly Emily turned on her back and sat up, giving him her full attention while fighting off the fog having just woken up. “What you wanna know Daddy?”
John smiled. Daddy… he’d never get tired of hearing her say that. “Do you think your Mom’s happy?” He supposed asking a six year old such a question wasn’t exactly his best idea, but he needed to hear it from her.
Emily shrugged. “I guess so… but I think she’s happier now that you’re back! She missed you.”
Sheppard frowned. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must have been to know he was gone, then to learn she’d be having HIS child… children. It must have been heart breaking, to know your child might never know their father. “And you… were you happy?”
Emily paused for a second. “Yeah, but I’m glad you’re here now. It’s nice having a real Dad. Will was a pretty good one, but Mommy says there’s nothing like the real thing,” Emily told him, making him chuckle.
He hesitated on his last question, unsure whether it might upset her to ask. Still, he needed to know. “Emily… you’re friends… on the mainland, most of them have Mommies and Daddies that live together as a family. And then the children are raised by them. Did you… did you ever wish you had that?”
He knew immediately what her answer would be; he could see it in her eyes, see the sadness there. “I guess… but Mommy says I’m lucky. I’ve got my Grandma, uncles who love me; Will… and now I have you. Sometimes we don’t get what we want, but we do get what we need.” She was wise beyond her years, but he could tell along with such wisdom she’d lost bits of her innocence. It wasn’t fair to her, and the fact that she’d had to live that way made his heart ache.
John blinked back the tears, pulling his daughter into a hug, holding her as tight as he could. “You know I love you don’t you?”
“I know Daddy.”
“And I’ll always be there for you, sweet heart. I’ve missed too much already.” Finally he let go of her and kissed her forehead. “Go back to sleep. You need you’re rest.”
“What about you Daddy?”
John just smiled. “Don’t worry about me, just sleep. I’ll see you in the morning,” he promised and watched her lay back down, closing her eyes to sleep.
Just as he was about to leave Emily opened her eyes. “Daddy?”
John froze, looking back down at his daughter. “Yeah baby?”
Emily frowned. “Are you happy?”
She was a child, a little girl, but she’d never know how much the question had shaken him. Was he? Could he really say he was happy? He knew he had been once… a long time ago. It had only lasted one night, but it had been the happiest night of his life… the night he’d unknowingly made Emily Weir. “I am now… I have a great kid after all,” he whispered, kissing Emily’s cheek. “Now go to sleep.”
Emily nodded before closing her eyes and slowly fell back into her slumber. Then finally he stood and silently left, sneaking past Carson who was sleeping at his desk and walked out of the infirmary.
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He knew he was going to get it the next morning. Carson would kill him if he found out, but John just didn’t care anymore. He had to talk to Teyla. Sheppard watched her sleep, thinking back to all the nights they’d sent together in slavery over the years, thinking back to the nights he’d stayed up and watched her sleep, wishing he could give her everything she deserved. He did love her, she was an amazing woman, brilliant, and wise, but he’d never been able to love her the way she should be loved… he’d never really been able to love her with everything he had, with all his heart. She knew that just as well as he had, that no matter what he did he could never love her that way. He’d just never known why… until just recently when a man he’d barely known had somehow figured him out before John had.
Slowly he kissed Teyla’s forehead, awakening her from sleep.
“John? What are you doing here? You should be in the infirmary!” she said sleepily.
“Shhhh… it’s okay… I’m fine. I just needed to talk to you.”
“John, what could you possibly want to discuss at this time of night that couldn’t wait until morning?”
John frowned, sitting on the bed, looking away. “Teyla… do you love me?”
“Of course I do,” she said.
John shook his head. “No I mean… do you REALLY love me? Am I really the one for you? What if those years we spent together were only made a reality because we were enslaved together? Would we really be here if we hadn’t gotten captured?”
“What are you talking about?” she asked confused.
John sighed. “When we were enslaved… all we had was each other. And it brought us together… what we shared, but what if… what if we were only doing what we needed to do to survive? Would things have turned out like this if we hadn’t been taken?”
Teyla paused. “To tell you the truth… I don’t really know.”
John looked down at her. “I think you do, Teyla. Just… tell me… I need to know the truth. Would we have ended up together if it wasn’t for what we went through?” He was begging her now, begging her to let him go, to let him out of the relationship they’d shared. He did love her, but he knew now that it wasn’t enough. He needed more. He wanted a family… he wanted Elizabeth.
Teyla frowned, suddenly understanding. “I’m… not sure,” she whispered sadly. “But with the child you share with Elizabeth, I do not believe so,” Teyla finally told him.
John nodded. “She needs me, Teyla… they both do. And I’m starting to realize… that I need them too. Both of them. I’ve never had a real family before… this is my chance. I lived in a broken home. My father left when I was little… my mom worked all day and some nights. I practically raised myself. I want Emily to have the father I never had… I want to be there for Elizabeth the way my dad should have been there for my mom. I want her to have a family, Teyla. And truth be told, I want to support Elizabeth, to raise Emily with her. I don’t want to take turns. I want a family.”
“I understand, John. You… love Elizabeth. And you love Emily.”
John closed his eyes, looking away. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be… I knew… when I learned we would be returning home I knew,” Teyla whispered, resting a hand on John’s shoulders. “Go….”
John opened his eyes, surprised by her words. “Teyla I-“
“Go, John. I’ll be fine.”
Finally John smiled before he pulled her in his arms and kissed her cheek. “I do love you Teyla.”
“I know that too.”
John’s smile grew as he let her go and stood, walking to the door. “Thanks Teyla… for everything.”
Teyla nodded, although he could see the sadness in her eyes, he knew she’d be alright. They’d both be alright. “John, leave… and I expect to find you back in the infirmary once you have done what you need to do, is that understood?”
John laughed at that. “Yes ma’am!” he teased, giving her a less than perfect salute.
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He wasn’t sure what’d he’d say or do, wasn’t even sure if he COULD say what he wanted to say. Elizabeth was a hard woman to figure out. One minute it was as if there were perfect strangers and the next it was as if they were the best of friends. She was a mystery sometimes, one he’d yet to solve. Slowly he stopped at her room, taking in a breath before knocking softly so as not to draw attention. When nothing happened he knocked a little louder until finally he heard fumbling behind the door and a soft, “I’m coming!”
She was beautiful, even so late at night. Her hair was all over the place from sleep, she looked tired, her robe barely covering the nightgown she had underneath. She was absolutely adorable… and he was absolutely in love.
“John?! What the hell are you doing here?! You should be in the infirmary!”
John frowned. “Elizabeth, please, just let me in; I’ll go back to the infirmary later.”
“No, you’ll go now! Carson’s probably worried sick!”
“He was asleep last I saw him, Elizabeth.”
“I don’t care; go back to the infirmary, John! That’s an order, you shouldn’t be here, we don’t even know if you’re completely recovered yet!”
“Elizabeth!” he finally shouted, stopping her from saying anything more. “Please, I need to talk to you… now,” he told her softly.
Elizabeth frowned, surprised by his tone. “What could you possibly need to talk to me about that made you think you could LEAVE the infirmary at these late hours?”
John sighed, not exactly sure what to say. He knew what he felt, but after what had gone between her and Will, should he really be at her door? Was she still in love with Will? Would she even want anything to do with him? Could she really love him the way he loves her? Sheppard knew he was scared, scared of how she felt, scared of whether she’d turn him down, but he also knew if he went back now he’d regret it for the rest of his life. Taking another breath, he followed his heart and said the first thing that came to his mind. “Elizabeth… I love you.”
Elizabeth stared at him, her eyes wide, and her mouth slightly open, as if she’d just gotten electrocuted. It took her a moment to get it together. “Yeah… then I guess we do need to talk,” she finally agreed, moving aside to let him in.
John smiled, walking past her, brushing her lightly as he passed. “That’s what I said….”
Elizabeth closed the door behind him and took a seat. “What’s this really about, John? What do you mean, you love me? Is this about Emily?”
John looked around Elizabeth’s room. She was confused, in shock… so was he. There were pictures in her living room… pictures of Emily. One was of Emily on Will’s back, her arms wrapped around him, laughing as he took her for a ride. Another was of Ronan and Rodney on the beach. Rodney had a black shirt and black and yellow happy face swim trunks. His arms were folded as he glared at Ronan. Ronan had his own swim trunks, but his were red and he was purposely showing off his muscles, making a pose. The last was a picture of an older woman and a young man, with Emily in between them, her arms around them both. He could only see their faces, but they were all smiling. “Who’s that?”
“My mother and my nephew,” Elizabeth whispered, looking down.
“I didn’t know you had a nephew.”
“My older brother died in a car accident ten years ago. His wife and his son took it hard, but they got through. They live in Washington D. C. now near my mom. That was taken a year ago at my nephew’s birthday party. He’s turning twenty-one in a few months.”
John knew he was stalling. He also knew she knew he was stalling, but she’d let it go, waiting from him to get himself together. Finally he took a seat on the couch where she sat, looking straight ahead, sighing.
“You never answered my question… is this about Emily?”
John shook his head.
“Then what is it about?”
“You,” he whispered, looking up to meet her gaze. “I don’t want us to have a load of regrets when Emily’s grown up. I don’t want to pass her back and forth between us like a tennis ball. And I don’t want to keep ignoring that night before I was kidnapped. I do love you Elizabeth. I’ve loved you ever since that night… maybe even before it.”
“What about Teyla?” she asked softly.
John shook his head. “We both knew it wasn’t meant to be. It was just so easy to break it off… easier than it ever should have been. It was never that easy being away from you for so long. No more regrets Elizabeth… I’m done with it. For once it’s time for us to do something right… we did it once when we made Emily… why can’t it be like that again?”
He waited for her to answer his question; he could see the conflict in her eyes. “I can’t.”
“You can’t or you won’t?”
“How can you be so sure that we’re meant to be together? How can you possibly be that sure-“
John didn’t let her finish, he gently took her face in his hands and rested his lips on hers, kissing her with every bone in his body, telling her what words could never say, giving up himself. When finally they needed air he pulled away, his eyes holding her own. “That’s how,” he whispered to her.
This was it. She would either push him away, or give him a chance. She didn’t speak, just stared at him as he let her go, still holding her gaze, his eyes pleading for her to give him something… some kind of answer.
Finally she gave him an answer, but he wasn’t prepared at all. “I love you too, John.”
To Be Continued….
A/N: Just two more chapters left!!!!!! Let me know what you thought! At least I didn’t give you the cliffhanger I was planning on giving you! Be very happy!!!!!!! And please review:D You know you wanna!!!!!!