Title: "Sheppard Knits Some Socks"
By: qwirky
Rating: PG-13
Category: Humor, Crack!fic
Pairings: John/Elizabeth and others, both het and slash
Disclaimer: Neither Stargate Atlantis nor its characters belong to me.
Prompts: "sheppard! knitting! socks!" (from Kyrdwyn) and "turkey leg" (from Pooh)
---------------
John sat in his room, pensively staring down at his lap.
No, it would not do. It would not do at all. It was not big enough- not big enough by far. Sadly, he considered cutting it off and starting anew. The thought made him wince. Perhaps if he tried harder, it would become big enough.
The poor turkey, John thought sadly. John's half-knitted sock was not nearly big enough for the turkey's feet and legs. He would need bigger needles, maybe. He wasn't sure, being a knitting novice.
He considered asking Carson, the knitting king of Atlantis. Unfortunately, Carson was busy with Major Lorne. They were off on some important mission or another. An important mission that involved just the two of them, a puddle jumper, a picnic basket, and two Speedos. John wasn't sure what kind of mission that was, but he didn't dare ask Elizabeth.
Speaking of Elizabeth, maybe she was into knitting. She was a woman, after all.
Not that John was sexist.
Yes, Elizabeth would know. So John went to see her, carrying his half-finished sock with him.
Poor Gobbles, John thought again as he walked. They had come across Gobbles on another planet. Gobbles was being chased by ravenous natives who wanted to gnaw on its tender turkey legs. John was sympathetic- after all, turkeys were delicious. But one look into Gobbles' large, luminous, black eyes, and John's salivating ceased, his hunger pangs disappearing.
"We have to save him!" John declared humanely.
Rodney and Ronon, who also thought Gobbles looked delicious, thought he was crazy.
Inevitably, it was Teyla, with the tender, gentle, motherly sensitivities that all women had, who came to John's aid. Not that John was sexist. But Teyla had a soft side for animals and hated mindless slaughter, as evident by her life of pacifism. Also, she was also sleeping with Ronon, and she occasionally bestowed sexual favors upon Rodney, so she had some extra weight that John lacked. Mostly in her chest region.
In any case, Gobbles was saved. John exchanged Ronon's gun for Gobbles' life. Unbeknownst to John, that evening, Ronon had planned on murdering John in his sleep with Ronon's bear/bare hands. Fortunately, Teyla's chest and womanly mind provided ample distraction, and Ronon's murderous plot was thwarted. Instead, Ronon and Teyla returned to the planet and secretly raided the village, retrieving Ronon's gun.
Anyway, they brought Gobbles back to Atlantis with them. He now lived in Rodney's room. Rodney, obviously, was less than pleased about this arrangement, as he was forced to bunk with Radek. John sometimes heard cries of pain coming from their quarters. He felt a little bit guilty about forcing the two to live together, but all he had to do was imagine Gobbles' uber-cute eyes, and his guilt melted away.
Sure enough, as John passed Radek's room now, he could hear massive thumping and yelling coming from within.
"Radeeeek!"
"Rodneyyy!"
John hurried past, trying to absolve his guilt by thinking of poor Gobbles.
In the control room, he found Elizabeth consoling one of the marines. The marine had obviously been crying, for his face was now nestled against Elizabeth's chest, and she was making what he thought were soothing sounds.
"Elizabeth!" John said.
Elizabeth and the marine jumped apart.
John was relieved to see that there were no traces of tears on the marine's face. Tears made John uncomfortable. They brought up strange "girly" feelings that were better left for girls.
Not that he was sexist, of course.
The marine scurried away, and John smooched Elizabeth happily. Elizabeth slipped him her tongue, and the two made out for three minutes, ignoring the technicians who were eyeing them curiously.
Finally, Elizabeth led John to her office, thinking John wanted sex. John, however, was not so selfish as to be thinking of himself. Even during that wonderful make-out session, his thoughts had strayed to Gobbles. Poor, poor Gobbles. Come winter, without socks, what would the turkey do? Those fine turkey legs might very well freeze! Gobbles could catch a cold! Yes, he needed to finish Gobbles' socks and leg warmers before winter came.
Not realizing he had been saying all of this aloud, he was startled to see Elizabeth staring at him oddly.
"You do know that there's only one season in Atlantis, right?" Elizabeth said finally.
John looked upset. "Elizabeth! You know mental winters can be just as deadly as the real thing!"
Elizabeth thought, not for the first time, that it was a good thing John was so hot. And good in bed. "But socks?" she said. "And leg warmers? For a turkey?"
John was disappointed. He hadn't thought Elizabeth had such fowl prejudices. "They're people, too," John defended.
Elizabeth blinked.
"Anyway, you know how to knit, right?"
Elizabeth blinked again. "When have you ever seen me knitting?"
John thought. "Well, never, but you're a woman-"
"What?!"
John continued, "- and I need some pointers on making these socks the right size for Gobbles."
Elizabeth glared.
John looked cute/confused.
Elizabeth sighed. She wasn't sleeping with John for his brains, she reminded herself. Or lack thereof. Reluctantly, Elizabeth examined his needlework. "This is all right," she said finally. She launched into a rather lengthy, but carefully worded, critique of John's work, remembering that John was sensitive to negativity. She outlined the strengths and weaknesses of John's attempt thus far.
John stared at her, feeling immensely turned on, and not listening to her in the slightest. After all, learning something about knitting would cause his overwhelming masculinity to begin seeping away. Look at Carson, for example! The man wore skirts on holidays.
Elizabeth finished and handed back the sock to John. She looked at him expectantly.
John blinked.
"Well?" Elizabeth said.
John blinked again. "... what?"
Elizabeth sighed. "Were you listening to me at all, John?"
Guilelessly, John said, "Of course not."
Making a weird screeching sound, Elizabeth snapped, "Then why did you come to me for help?!"
John smiled happily. "So you could make Gobbles his socks and leg warmers!"
Elizabeth stared.
John smiled.
After a long, fruitless attempt to find some hint of intelligence in John's stupidly smiling face, Elizabeth gave in. As usual. "Fine," she said, throwing her hands up. "I'll make the damn turkey socks."
"And leg warmers," John said helpfully.
Elizabeth's eyebrow twitched. "And leg warmers."
John gave her a really well-executed, mind-blowing kiss that made her- or almost made her, anyway- forget her annoyance.
As John bounced away to find Ronon for some manly man-on-man mud wrestling, Elizabeth stared at John's shoddy knitsmanship... and plotted Atlantis's next Thanksgiving dinner.
Stuffing, she thought. She'd have to order more stuffing.
---------------
Teh End
By: qwirky
Rating: PG-13
Category: Humor, Crack!fic
Pairings: John/Elizabeth and others, both het and slash
Disclaimer: Neither Stargate Atlantis nor its characters belong to me.
Prompts: "sheppard! knitting! socks!" (from Kyrdwyn) and "turkey leg" (from Pooh)
---------------
John sat in his room, pensively staring down at his lap.
No, it would not do. It would not do at all. It was not big enough- not big enough by far. Sadly, he considered cutting it off and starting anew. The thought made him wince. Perhaps if he tried harder, it would become big enough.
The poor turkey, John thought sadly. John's half-knitted sock was not nearly big enough for the turkey's feet and legs. He would need bigger needles, maybe. He wasn't sure, being a knitting novice.
He considered asking Carson, the knitting king of Atlantis. Unfortunately, Carson was busy with Major Lorne. They were off on some important mission or another. An important mission that involved just the two of them, a puddle jumper, a picnic basket, and two Speedos. John wasn't sure what kind of mission that was, but he didn't dare ask Elizabeth.
Speaking of Elizabeth, maybe she was into knitting. She was a woman, after all.
Not that John was sexist.
Yes, Elizabeth would know. So John went to see her, carrying his half-finished sock with him.
Poor Gobbles, John thought again as he walked. They had come across Gobbles on another planet. Gobbles was being chased by ravenous natives who wanted to gnaw on its tender turkey legs. John was sympathetic- after all, turkeys were delicious. But one look into Gobbles' large, luminous, black eyes, and John's salivating ceased, his hunger pangs disappearing.
"We have to save him!" John declared humanely.
Rodney and Ronon, who also thought Gobbles looked delicious, thought he was crazy.
Inevitably, it was Teyla, with the tender, gentle, motherly sensitivities that all women had, who came to John's aid. Not that John was sexist. But Teyla had a soft side for animals and hated mindless slaughter, as evident by her life of pacifism. Also, she was also sleeping with Ronon, and she occasionally bestowed sexual favors upon Rodney, so she had some extra weight that John lacked. Mostly in her chest region.
In any case, Gobbles was saved. John exchanged Ronon's gun for Gobbles' life. Unbeknownst to John, that evening, Ronon had planned on murdering John in his sleep with Ronon's bear/bare hands. Fortunately, Teyla's chest and womanly mind provided ample distraction, and Ronon's murderous plot was thwarted. Instead, Ronon and Teyla returned to the planet and secretly raided the village, retrieving Ronon's gun.
Anyway, they brought Gobbles back to Atlantis with them. He now lived in Rodney's room. Rodney, obviously, was less than pleased about this arrangement, as he was forced to bunk with Radek. John sometimes heard cries of pain coming from their quarters. He felt a little bit guilty about forcing the two to live together, but all he had to do was imagine Gobbles' uber-cute eyes, and his guilt melted away.
Sure enough, as John passed Radek's room now, he could hear massive thumping and yelling coming from within.
"Radeeeek!"
"Rodneyyy!"
John hurried past, trying to absolve his guilt by thinking of poor Gobbles.
In the control room, he found Elizabeth consoling one of the marines. The marine had obviously been crying, for his face was now nestled against Elizabeth's chest, and she was making what he thought were soothing sounds.
"Elizabeth!" John said.
Elizabeth and the marine jumped apart.
John was relieved to see that there were no traces of tears on the marine's face. Tears made John uncomfortable. They brought up strange "girly" feelings that were better left for girls.
Not that he was sexist, of course.
The marine scurried away, and John smooched Elizabeth happily. Elizabeth slipped him her tongue, and the two made out for three minutes, ignoring the technicians who were eyeing them curiously.
Finally, Elizabeth led John to her office, thinking John wanted sex. John, however, was not so selfish as to be thinking of himself. Even during that wonderful make-out session, his thoughts had strayed to Gobbles. Poor, poor Gobbles. Come winter, without socks, what would the turkey do? Those fine turkey legs might very well freeze! Gobbles could catch a cold! Yes, he needed to finish Gobbles' socks and leg warmers before winter came.
Not realizing he had been saying all of this aloud, he was startled to see Elizabeth staring at him oddly.
"You do know that there's only one season in Atlantis, right?" Elizabeth said finally.
John looked upset. "Elizabeth! You know mental winters can be just as deadly as the real thing!"
Elizabeth thought, not for the first time, that it was a good thing John was so hot. And good in bed. "But socks?" she said. "And leg warmers? For a turkey?"
John was disappointed. He hadn't thought Elizabeth had such fowl prejudices. "They're people, too," John defended.
Elizabeth blinked.
"Anyway, you know how to knit, right?"
Elizabeth blinked again. "When have you ever seen me knitting?"
John thought. "Well, never, but you're a woman-"
"What?!"
John continued, "- and I need some pointers on making these socks the right size for Gobbles."
Elizabeth glared.
John looked cute/confused.
Elizabeth sighed. She wasn't sleeping with John for his brains, she reminded herself. Or lack thereof. Reluctantly, Elizabeth examined his needlework. "This is all right," she said finally. She launched into a rather lengthy, but carefully worded, critique of John's work, remembering that John was sensitive to negativity. She outlined the strengths and weaknesses of John's attempt thus far.
John stared at her, feeling immensely turned on, and not listening to her in the slightest. After all, learning something about knitting would cause his overwhelming masculinity to begin seeping away. Look at Carson, for example! The man wore skirts on holidays.
Elizabeth finished and handed back the sock to John. She looked at him expectantly.
John blinked.
"Well?" Elizabeth said.
John blinked again. "... what?"
Elizabeth sighed. "Were you listening to me at all, John?"
Guilelessly, John said, "Of course not."
Making a weird screeching sound, Elizabeth snapped, "Then why did you come to me for help?!"
John smiled happily. "So you could make Gobbles his socks and leg warmers!"
Elizabeth stared.
John smiled.
After a long, fruitless attempt to find some hint of intelligence in John's stupidly smiling face, Elizabeth gave in. As usual. "Fine," she said, throwing her hands up. "I'll make the damn turkey socks."
"And leg warmers," John said helpfully.
Elizabeth's eyebrow twitched. "And leg warmers."
John gave her a really well-executed, mind-blowing kiss that made her- or almost made her, anyway- forget her annoyance.
As John bounced away to find Ronon for some manly man-on-man mud wrestling, Elizabeth stared at John's shoddy knitsmanship... and plotted Atlantis's next Thanksgiving dinner.
Stuffing, she thought. She'd have to order more stuffing.
---------------
Teh End