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Story Notes: I have no beta, everything is my fault!
Author's Chapter Notes: John's POV. (Mostly.)


Elizabeth, wait!

You can’t!

I have to and you know it

John…

…Go.

Elizabeth could barely stop the tears from trickling down her cheeks as she stared into the hazel eyes of Major Sheppard one last time. The moment lasted forever…but not long enough. He broke away from her anguished gaze and ran.
Elizabeth stood there in the abandoned control room, silent and numb, disbelief and horror freezing her in her place.

Go…that one word had ripped her world and heart into pieces.

John ran to the Jumper Bay like a man possessed, he was glad he was running because when you were running you couldn’t think and there was no time to think.
He was glad there was no time to think because if he stopped – even for a second – and thought about what he was about to do, he knew he would break down and instead, do what very fibre of his being was screaming at him to do: Return to the control room.

But he had to do this; he had to do it for Atlantis and for everyone who belonged there. "I always knew I’d die in war." John thought grimly, as he sprinted into the Jumper and threw himself down at the controls.
"And this isn’t a bad way to go, better me than one of the so many, better, more valuable people down there."

But he was so, so scared. Not so much of dying – though thought that was enough to send a sliver of ice through his heart, but for the people he was leaving behind.

Would the Wraith murder them all? Would Atlantis be destroyed? Would they ever see Earth again? If he had one final wish, it would be that the people he was sacrificing him for would get to see their home planet again, he would die content if he knew his death had meant that.

But he couldn’t be contented, because he knew that someone else was going to have to do exactly what he was doing and that was hard to bear, that this may not make any difference at all. Scrap that last final wish, here was another one: that this would be the last sacrifice any member of the expedition had to make. His life would be the last one lost.

How would his death affect them? He wasn’t stupid; he knew he wasn’t a unique, irreplaceable member of the team. Not like Rodney’s brain or Carson’s medical skills or Elizabeth’s leadership.

But how would they take it? Would they be all right? Would they manage? He didn’t want them to mourn and he didn’t want them to grieve and most of all he didn’t want them to blame themselves.

John suddenly realised he wasn’t thinking about “them” he was thinking about her. Because, when this was all over – if it ever ended and if she was there to see it, "No, not if, when." John corrected himself. Because she had to be there to see it, he couldn’t consider it ending any other way.

When the sound of gunshots and screaming faded and the sun rose on an Atlantis that was once again a peaceful haven, floating on the water, she would grieve, she would mourn and she would blame herself. Because that was what Elizabeth did, she alone would carry the burden of his death.

John thought back to the look in her clear eyes that he had seen barely a minute ago. Guilt, pain and regret. In that instant he knew what his true final wish would be; that Elizabeth Weir would live to see the sunrise on a harmonious Atlantis again and that she would see it with a free heart and peace of mind. He piloted the Jumper up out of the bay, cloaking it as he rose up away from the planet, he glanced back, back at the place that had been his home for the last year.

Home. That was a strange way of putting it. All this time he had seen it merely as resting place, a temporary stop gap until they returned to Earth, now though, he realised that the city thousand of feet below him was his home and all it’s inhabitants were his people.

He swallowed and opened up a communication channel. "Time to say your goodbyes John." He told himself.

“You do realise, if this works, someone may have to do it again.” He heard himself say. "You idiot! You’re about to go off to your death and that’s all you can come up with?" He thought furiously.

Elizabeth’s voice came over the radio, “understood.” She replied. Her voice didn’t break, but even from that distance John could feel her pain.

He desperately tried to think of something to say, something to comfort her, convince her this wasn’t her fault, give her some last words of courage...
...or he could tell her the truth. The secret.

"Elizabeth, I just want you to know, I… " He opened his mouth to say the words, but he couldn’t; she had enough to deal with, there wasn’t time, this wasn’t the place and it would only make things worse.

"I’m sorry."
So he continued towards the hive ship, his heart aching not for what was ahead, but for the woman he was leaving behind.


Chapter End Notes: Please tell me what you think!

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