Chapter 4: Tears
“Elizabeth...” He couldn’t believe it. His mind refused to accept what his eyes told him was the truth - that she was here in front of him. Alive. From the look on her face she was just as shocked as he was. She moved away from the door, her eyes never leaving his face for a second.
“What...what are you doing here?” she breathed. Suddenly the look of amazement that had been spread across her features disappeared, replaced by one of realization and deep misery. She faced the Replicator standing next to her. He hadn’t moved a muscle since she had entered the room. “Kedan... please... stop it. I know this isn’t real... just stop it...”
“I cannot stop it, Dr. Weir,” said Kedan. She opened her mouth to plead with him again, but he continued. “I cannot stop, because I am not creating this moment. This is real.”
She didn’t look convinced. In fact, she looked slightly afraid. John had seen the hope that had flared briefly in her eyes at those last words. She looked afraid that that hope would turn out to be false.
She turned her head, long brown curls that were now just past her shoulders falling down along her back. She stared into John’s eyes, searching desperately for the truth. He stared right back, trying to will his thoughts to her. ‘This is real, Elizabeth. Don’t be afraid, this is real.’ He couldn’t help it. He knew perfectly well that this might not be real - that he might be the one with a hand stuck in his forehead right now. He was also painfully aware of the possibility that if this wasn’t a vision, this might not be the real Elizabeth Weir. But he couldn’t help it. Those were her eyes...
The door hissed, announcing that Kedan had left the room. She spared only a brief glance for the place where he had been. “John...” she whispered, her voice breaking slightly. She took a step forward and cautiously reached out a hand to touch his shoulder.
“Solid enough for you?” he joked quietly.
She let out a tearful half-laugh. “You’re really here.” She started to laugh hysterically, tears filling her eyes. “You’re really here.” The laughter died away, and she began to sob quietly, her thin frame shaking with the intensity of her tears. Without thinking, he pulled her into his arms.
“Hey, shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m right here.” She sobbed harder, her tears dampening the shoulder of his jacket. His heart twisted at the sound of so much pain. “It’s alright,” he said softly, his hand not stopping in its soothing up and down motion as he gently stroked her hair. “It’s alright. I’m here.”
oOo
It was a long time before she stopped crying. When she had quieted to the point where there were only occasional dry sobs, John loosened his hold on her shoulders. She looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘This has to be her,’ he thought. That gesture was so... Elizabeth.
He knew he should be questioning the reality of the situation right now. After all, the Replicators had once made him believe that Atlantis was under attack and he had sacrificed himself to save everyone. That had felt real too, until it was over.
She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, trying to compose herself. Every move she made screamed that she was real. ‘Come on, Sheppard, pull yourself together. They’re just using your subconscious against you, letting you see what you want to see.’ She took a deep, shuddering breath. He took this as a signal that she was alright for now, and let his arms fall to his side. There was silence for a moment, and then she spoke first, her voice still a little shaky.
“John... what are you doing here? I never thought I was going to see...” He looked at her sadly, his suspicions confirmed. She trailed off, a confused look on her pale face. Then, in a flash of understanding, “Oh.” She locked eyes with him again and he found he couldn’t look away. “This is not a vision,” she said, green eyes boring into his. “They aren’t creating this. I’m really standing here. Believe me, John, I thought the same thing you did when I walked in here. But this is real. I know that now.” Oh, he wanted to believe her! But...
“Elizabeth,” he began, but she cut him off.
“I understand,” she said. “You have no way of knowing whether I’m telling the truth or not.” She nodded and glanced at the floor. She may have said she understood, but she couldn’t hide her hurt expression - not from him.
“I’m sorry,” he said. Real or not he didn’t like causing her pain.
She dipped her head once. “It’s alright.”
“Have... do you know where they’re keeping the rest of my team?” he asked. It was worth a shot.
“The rest of your team...?” A sick look flashed across her face. “Oh no... you were captured, how else would you have gotten here... I didn’t even...” She continued to think out loud for several minutes, berating herself for her own stupidity and selfishness.
“Okay, calm down, Elizabeth,” he ordered.
She looked over at him apologetically. “I’m so sorry, John. They didn’t tell me that you were here. I didn’t know to look for them and then I was so surprised to see you...” Seeing his inquiring glance, she elaborated further. “They can block me out of the collective if they want to, hide information from me.”
With a jolt he remembered the nanites running through her system. “Are you still blocked now?”
She closed her eyes and stood perfectly still for several minutes. John fought with his impatience, telling himself that he couldn’t act on the information anyway, not when he was stuck in this room. He was seriously considering pacing when she opened her eyes. “Well?”
She nodded. “They’re being held in individual cells two corridors over. Rodney, Ronon, and a woman I don’t recognize, but that was all I saw.” Worry filled her voice. “John, I couldn’t find Teyla.”
“And you won’t. Teyla isn’t here, she’s back home in Atlantis.” He saw the question in her eyes and decided it couldn’t do any harm to tell her. “She’s pregnant.”
Her eyes grew wide. “Pregnant?” She took a moment to take it in. “Boy or girl?
“Boy.”
She glanced at him, as if debating whether or not to ask the obvious next question. “And the father?”
“Kanaan, that Athosian she’s been seeing that she never told us about.”
Was that a flicker of relief in her eyes? She gave a sad smile. “Wow, I really have missed a lot, haven’t I?”
“Too much,” was his soft reply. He just couldn’t help but treat her like the real Elizabeth, no matter what he told himself in his head.
He decided he wanted to make her smile. “Let’s see, what else is there?” he said lightly. “Oh, Rodney and that doctor Katie Brown broke up.”
“Really? What a shame.” There was a ghost of a smile there. She knew what he was up to.
“Yeah, um...he about broke Zelenka’s nose the other day in the lab when he couldn’t find his coffee mug.”
She was genuinely smiling now. “Yep, that sounds like our Rodney for you.”
“Colonel Carter really chewed him out for it. Told him they were never going to get any work done if he kept punching his staff.”
“Colonel Samantha Carter? Of SG-1? What was she doing there?”
He realized he probably should have mentioned that before. “Yeah, that’s the one. She’s... she’s in charge of Atlantis now.”
She took the news surprisingly well. She smiled that achingly familiar teasing smile at him. “So you didn’t take the job yourself, huh?”
“No way. I saw you go through enough sleepless nights doing paperwork to realize that that is the last job I would want.”
She looked at him, a considering tone to her glance. “You could do it though. And do it well. I know you could.”
“I don’t think so. You left some pretty big shoes to fill, you know.”
“Hmph, thanks.” She glanced at her hands.
There was quiet for a few moments, and then it burst out of him. “We all miss you.”
She smiled unhappily. “I’ve missed all of you too,” she said in a barely audible voice. Her gaze became clouded by memories of unknown sufferings. So much misery... It shadowed her entire being, nearly overwhelming her with the sudden inflow of temporarily forgotten pain. Guilt flooded through him. This was his fault. He had abandoned her on that planet, and left her to endure this all alone.
In that moment her realized that she had been telling the truth. This was in fact real. He couldn’t see how any machine created vision could possibly contain as much raw emotion as was displayed in her face right now. And they couldn’t have taken this out of his head either. Never in the deepest darkest parts of his mind would he have ever put her through anything that would cause that look.
He took a step forward, closing the gap that had formed between them, and carefully gripped her shoulders, causing her to look up in surprise. “I am so sorry, Elizabeth,” he said desperately. “So sorry...”
“Sorry for what? John, you have nothing to apologize for.”
“Yes I do. We never leave people behind, but I broke that rule when I left you on Asuras. It’s because of me that you went through all this...”
She stared him in the eyes and said forcefully, “Whatever I’ve gone through, it has in no way been your fault. I ordered you to leave me behind, remember?” He opened his mouth to say more. “No, you can’t tear yourself up over this. That’s an order too.” He sighed and let go of her shoulders. A look of comprehension appeared in her eyes. “You’ve realized this is real haven’t you?” Before she could say more, something distracted her and her eyes unfocused for a second. “Kedan’s coming.”
The door hissed open a minute later and the blond Replicator walked in. “I trust you have had an enjoyable reunion,” he said smoothly. “But now I am afraid it must come to an end. Doctor Weir, if you will follow me. There is work to be done.”
Elizabeth reluctantly walked into the hallway, glancing back as she passed her jailer, her eyes promising that she would come back. Kedan said nothing after she had disappeared around the doorframe. He stared distantly at John for several seconds with cold eyes before he turned around and left, the door sliding shut with a thud behind him.
“Elizabeth...” He couldn’t believe it. His mind refused to accept what his eyes told him was the truth - that she was here in front of him. Alive. From the look on her face she was just as shocked as he was. She moved away from the door, her eyes never leaving his face for a second.
“What...what are you doing here?” she breathed. Suddenly the look of amazement that had been spread across her features disappeared, replaced by one of realization and deep misery. She faced the Replicator standing next to her. He hadn’t moved a muscle since she had entered the room. “Kedan... please... stop it. I know this isn’t real... just stop it...”
“I cannot stop it, Dr. Weir,” said Kedan. She opened her mouth to plead with him again, but he continued. “I cannot stop, because I am not creating this moment. This is real.”
She didn’t look convinced. In fact, she looked slightly afraid. John had seen the hope that had flared briefly in her eyes at those last words. She looked afraid that that hope would turn out to be false.
She turned her head, long brown curls that were now just past her shoulders falling down along her back. She stared into John’s eyes, searching desperately for the truth. He stared right back, trying to will his thoughts to her. ‘This is real, Elizabeth. Don’t be afraid, this is real.’ He couldn’t help it. He knew perfectly well that this might not be real - that he might be the one with a hand stuck in his forehead right now. He was also painfully aware of the possibility that if this wasn’t a vision, this might not be the real Elizabeth Weir. But he couldn’t help it. Those were her eyes...
The door hissed, announcing that Kedan had left the room. She spared only a brief glance for the place where he had been. “John...” she whispered, her voice breaking slightly. She took a step forward and cautiously reached out a hand to touch his shoulder.
“Solid enough for you?” he joked quietly.
She let out a tearful half-laugh. “You’re really here.” She started to laugh hysterically, tears filling her eyes. “You’re really here.” The laughter died away, and she began to sob quietly, her thin frame shaking with the intensity of her tears. Without thinking, he pulled her into his arms.
“Hey, shh, shh, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m right here.” She sobbed harder, her tears dampening the shoulder of his jacket. His heart twisted at the sound of so much pain. “It’s alright,” he said softly, his hand not stopping in its soothing up and down motion as he gently stroked her hair. “It’s alright. I’m here.”
oOo
It was a long time before she stopped crying. When she had quieted to the point where there were only occasional dry sobs, John loosened his hold on her shoulders. She looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. ‘This has to be her,’ he thought. That gesture was so... Elizabeth.
He knew he should be questioning the reality of the situation right now. After all, the Replicators had once made him believe that Atlantis was under attack and he had sacrificed himself to save everyone. That had felt real too, until it was over.
She wiped her eyes with her sleeve, trying to compose herself. Every move she made screamed that she was real. ‘Come on, Sheppard, pull yourself together. They’re just using your subconscious against you, letting you see what you want to see.’ She took a deep, shuddering breath. He took this as a signal that she was alright for now, and let his arms fall to his side. There was silence for a moment, and then she spoke first, her voice still a little shaky.
“John... what are you doing here? I never thought I was going to see...” He looked at her sadly, his suspicions confirmed. She trailed off, a confused look on her pale face. Then, in a flash of understanding, “Oh.” She locked eyes with him again and he found he couldn’t look away. “This is not a vision,” she said, green eyes boring into his. “They aren’t creating this. I’m really standing here. Believe me, John, I thought the same thing you did when I walked in here. But this is real. I know that now.” Oh, he wanted to believe her! But...
“Elizabeth,” he began, but she cut him off.
“I understand,” she said. “You have no way of knowing whether I’m telling the truth or not.” She nodded and glanced at the floor. She may have said she understood, but she couldn’t hide her hurt expression - not from him.
“I’m sorry,” he said. Real or not he didn’t like causing her pain.
She dipped her head once. “It’s alright.”
“Have... do you know where they’re keeping the rest of my team?” he asked. It was worth a shot.
“The rest of your team...?” A sick look flashed across her face. “Oh no... you were captured, how else would you have gotten here... I didn’t even...” She continued to think out loud for several minutes, berating herself for her own stupidity and selfishness.
“Okay, calm down, Elizabeth,” he ordered.
She looked over at him apologetically. “I’m so sorry, John. They didn’t tell me that you were here. I didn’t know to look for them and then I was so surprised to see you...” Seeing his inquiring glance, she elaborated further. “They can block me out of the collective if they want to, hide information from me.”
With a jolt he remembered the nanites running through her system. “Are you still blocked now?”
She closed her eyes and stood perfectly still for several minutes. John fought with his impatience, telling himself that he couldn’t act on the information anyway, not when he was stuck in this room. He was seriously considering pacing when she opened her eyes. “Well?”
She nodded. “They’re being held in individual cells two corridors over. Rodney, Ronon, and a woman I don’t recognize, but that was all I saw.” Worry filled her voice. “John, I couldn’t find Teyla.”
“And you won’t. Teyla isn’t here, she’s back home in Atlantis.” He saw the question in her eyes and decided it couldn’t do any harm to tell her. “She’s pregnant.”
Her eyes grew wide. “Pregnant?” She took a moment to take it in. “Boy or girl?
“Boy.”
She glanced at him, as if debating whether or not to ask the obvious next question. “And the father?”
“Kanaan, that Athosian she’s been seeing that she never told us about.”
Was that a flicker of relief in her eyes? She gave a sad smile. “Wow, I really have missed a lot, haven’t I?”
“Too much,” was his soft reply. He just couldn’t help but treat her like the real Elizabeth, no matter what he told himself in his head.
He decided he wanted to make her smile. “Let’s see, what else is there?” he said lightly. “Oh, Rodney and that doctor Katie Brown broke up.”
“Really? What a shame.” There was a ghost of a smile there. She knew what he was up to.
“Yeah, um...he about broke Zelenka’s nose the other day in the lab when he couldn’t find his coffee mug.”
She was genuinely smiling now. “Yep, that sounds like our Rodney for you.”
“Colonel Carter really chewed him out for it. Told him they were never going to get any work done if he kept punching his staff.”
“Colonel Samantha Carter? Of SG-1? What was she doing there?”
He realized he probably should have mentioned that before. “Yeah, that’s the one. She’s... she’s in charge of Atlantis now.”
She took the news surprisingly well. She smiled that achingly familiar teasing smile at him. “So you didn’t take the job yourself, huh?”
“No way. I saw you go through enough sleepless nights doing paperwork to realize that that is the last job I would want.”
She looked at him, a considering tone to her glance. “You could do it though. And do it well. I know you could.”
“I don’t think so. You left some pretty big shoes to fill, you know.”
“Hmph, thanks.” She glanced at her hands.
There was quiet for a few moments, and then it burst out of him. “We all miss you.”
She smiled unhappily. “I’ve missed all of you too,” she said in a barely audible voice. Her gaze became clouded by memories of unknown sufferings. So much misery... It shadowed her entire being, nearly overwhelming her with the sudden inflow of temporarily forgotten pain. Guilt flooded through him. This was his fault. He had abandoned her on that planet, and left her to endure this all alone.
In that moment her realized that she had been telling the truth. This was in fact real. He couldn’t see how any machine created vision could possibly contain as much raw emotion as was displayed in her face right now. And they couldn’t have taken this out of his head either. Never in the deepest darkest parts of his mind would he have ever put her through anything that would cause that look.
He took a step forward, closing the gap that had formed between them, and carefully gripped her shoulders, causing her to look up in surprise. “I am so sorry, Elizabeth,” he said desperately. “So sorry...”
“Sorry for what? John, you have nothing to apologize for.”
“Yes I do. We never leave people behind, but I broke that rule when I left you on Asuras. It’s because of me that you went through all this...”
She stared him in the eyes and said forcefully, “Whatever I’ve gone through, it has in no way been your fault. I ordered you to leave me behind, remember?” He opened his mouth to say more. “No, you can’t tear yourself up over this. That’s an order too.” He sighed and let go of her shoulders. A look of comprehension appeared in her eyes. “You’ve realized this is real haven’t you?” Before she could say more, something distracted her and her eyes unfocused for a second. “Kedan’s coming.”
The door hissed open a minute later and the blond Replicator walked in. “I trust you have had an enjoyable reunion,” he said smoothly. “But now I am afraid it must come to an end. Doctor Weir, if you will follow me. There is work to be done.”
Elizabeth reluctantly walked into the hallway, glancing back as she passed her jailer, her eyes promising that she would come back. Kedan said nothing after she had disappeared around the doorframe. He stared distantly at John for several seconds with cold eyes before he turned around and left, the door sliding shut with a thud behind him.