Author's Chapter Notes: For Anuna. Since she asked so nicely. Several times.
"Sheppard!!!!!!!!!!!!"
John looked up from his card game slowly at the sound of McKay's shriek. He promptly looked back down, frowning. Where was he?
He'd been doing well in this new game. Learning quickly as he played along with Ronon, Teyla and one of their new Marovian allies. If nothing else, at least this society knew some pretty cool card games.
"So, I'm going to..." he began with a smirk.
"Sheppard! Get here NOW!"
Rodney was sounding desperate.
Teyla grinned. "Perhaps, John, you should go and see what he wants."
"Why me?" he muttered frustratedly.
Ronon shot Teyla an amused look "Maybe because it's your name he's yelling out like a scared little girl."
"Whatever... just don't look at my cards!" John ordered. He surveyed the group suspiciously, "On second thoughts, I'm taking them with me."
Teyla shook her head. Men. The Pegasus version was bad enough. These Earthlings seemed about ten times worse.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John stalked around the corner of the tent, following the sound of Rodney's yells until he found him.
"McKay, what the hell's the racket about?"
"Oh, finally. It's about time!" Rodney was backed into a corner, as far away from Elizabeth Weir as he could get.
John looked from one to the other, "What's the problem?"
"Her," Rodney pointed decisively at their leader, who gave John an innocent smile.
"Yeah, right, what's the real problem."
"Oh, fine, that's right, don't believe me. If you were here ten minutes ago when I started calling you.."
John turned to face the woman who was now standing beside him, "Elizabeth?"
She shrugged, smiled and gave Rodney an amused look.
He looked back at Rodney, "What, is she threatening you with a lemon or something? Grow up."
"Grow up? Oh, that's fine for you. She hasn't been trying to pinch your cheeks for the last ten minutes... she hasn't been calling you a chipmonk..."
John laughed.
"I'm serious." McKay said frustratedly, moving abruptly as Elizabeth took a step towards him, "she's drunk. And she's a pinchy drunk, too."
"Elizabeth?" John turned to look at her only to find her in some bizarre yoga pose on the floor. Huh. Elizabeth, on an alien planet, drunk and doing yoga. This was new. "McKay, what the hell did you give her?"
"Me?" he blustered "Don't look at me, I've been minding my own business. Those women, those so called negotiators she was hanging with all night. If anyone gave her anything, it was them. And it's not normal alcohol. I've seen her after a couple of drinks. She can handle her alcohol. She's never been this crazy before."
John looked back down at Elizabeth, who was now lying on her back on a pile of pillows, staring at McKay. "You have chubby cheeks just like a baby. They're just asking to be squeezed..." she told him.
"You see what I mean?" McKay yelled. "do something about it." He stormed out of the tent, leaving John alone with the now giggling Elizabeth.
He sighed and shook his head. Protection detail he could do. That was part of the job description. Babysitting a drunk diplomat was a different matter altogether.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John reached a hand out to Elizabeth, who was still lying in the pile of pillows.
She shook her head. "No, too happy here to get up. I'm gonna stay right where I am."
He raised an eyebrow. He didn't think he'd ever heard her speak like that. In that lazy, comfortable way.
"What have you been drinking?" he asked, not sure he'd get anything reasonable out of her.
"Don't know," she answered contemplatively. "it tasted like water...." She frowned, "I don't think it was water though...."
John sighed, "Come on Elizabeth, you need to get up."
"Why?" she countered. "Why don't you come down here? It's nice..."
He closed his eyes, shook his head, and lamented the loss of his card game. The card game he'd been winning.
"Come on," she insisted. "I'll move over. There's lots of room."
He looked around, considering his options. Either way, someone had to keep an eye on her tonight, and since Rodney had left the ball in his court, so to speak, there was no way out of it.
"Okay," he flopped unceremoniously down beside her.
"Here," she patted the pillow next to her head, and he got comfortable. As comfortable as he could get with his drunk boss lying next to him.
She was quiet for about five minutes, so that he thought she'd fallen asleep, but the silence was interupted with a completely random comment.
"Did you know the most common name in the world, our world I mean, is Mohammed?"
John smiled, "No, I didn't know that."
"Hmm..." she mused. "Well, did you know that Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are named after characters from 'It's a Wonderful Life'?"
"Nope," he admitted, "didn't know that one, either." It seemed even under the influence of some alien alcohol, Elizabeth was still full of information.
"Did you know," she started slowly, "that there's an urban legend that a pregnant goldfish is called a twit?"
John laughed out loud at that one. "Well, I guess that makes Rodney a pregnant goldfish," he told her.
She turned to face him, grinning, "I thought you'd like that one."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John gazed at the wall of the tent, watching the flickering candlelight making patterns on the fabric and wishing he could be anywhere else.
The game of "did you know" was getting annoying. The first ten questions had been fine, but Elizabeth had been spouting useless facts for the past hour.
He wondered how long this alien booze was going to take to wear off.
"Did you know... "she started.
He let out a frustrated sigh and closed his eyes, only to open them again, when he felt her breath on his face.
"Did you know," she repeated, "that our eyes are the same size from the time we're born but our nose," she tapped his nose, "and our ears," she pulled at his right ear, "keep growing our whole lives?"
"So there's every chance they could get pointier. Well, that's something to look forward to," he muttered sarcastically.
Elizabeth smiled, "I think they're cute."
"Nice to know someone other than my mother does," he told her.
"Hmmm," she mused. "John, can I ask you something?"
He sighed. "Well you've been asking me a bunch of somethings all night, so I don't see why not."
"Okay..." for the first time she seemed hesitant, and wondered what could possibly have her so nervous. "Kiss me?" she asked.
"I ... what?"
"Kiss me." she stated. No longer a question, more like an order.
"'Lizabeth, you're drunk," he started.
"No," she insisted, "I'm tipsy."
"Sweetheart," he laughed "you're as drunk as a bar-room full of sailors at happy hour."
"Tipsy." she repeated. "I'm more honest when I'm tipsy..." she frowned. " but I guess now is one of those times when it's not a good thing."
He watched as she sat up, clearly embarrassed and upset.
"'Lizabeth," he started apologetically.
"Forget it," she told him abruptly, "I thought you'd wondered too... after Phoebus and Thalen.. I thought maybe you'd want to know if that was really us or them.. I guess I thought wrong."
John frowned, wondering how the hell he'd got himself into this situation, and wishing he'd left Rodney to have his cheeks pinched all night.
"I've thought about it a lot," he admitted. Honesty was the best policy, right?
"You thought it was bad."
"'Lizabeth, come on. As far as under alien influence kisses go, that was pretty high on my list."
"Then why won't you?" her response was soft, filled with emotion, and he realised how upset she was with the whole line of conversation.
"Elizabeth," he turned to face her, brushing a tear off her cheek, "I'd never take advantage of you. And you're drunk."
"Tipsy," she insisted, frustratedly.
"It's the same thing."
"No it's not," she fumed, lying on her back and closing her eyes. "You think I'm an idiot."
"You're one of the smartest people I know," he told her, "I'd never think you're an idiot. But if one day I was to kiss you, really kiss you, I'd want it to be under our own steam. Nothing to do with alien entities, nothing to do with you being drunk..."
"Tipsy!" she repeated angrily. "Forget it. If you really knew me, you'd know I'd never even think of asking you this if I was completely sober."
"Which is why I'd be taking advantage of your current state..."
"You think I'm ugly," she interupted.
He rolled his eyes. This was getting ridiculous. "No," he said slowly and deliberately, "I think you're hot."
"But not hot enough to kiss me."
He could feel his willpower giving way, because A. he hated to see her so upset, and B. he really did want to kiss her. He had for a long time.
But God, she was drunk. She was right. There's no way the in-control Elizabeth Weir he knew would ever ask him to do such a thing.
He took a deep breath and turned to face her. "One kiss."
She nodded. "Just one. I just want to know what it's like without Phoebus in my head."
John smiled, wrapped a curl of her hair around his finger, and leaned in to kiss her forehead.
"That had better not be it," she warned.
He laughed, "No, I was thinking more along the lines of something like this..."
John closed the small distance between them, touching his lips gently to hers, not at all surprised when she reached up to play with his left ear. He kept it soft, almost chaste, but the butterflies in his stomach told him he'd been right in thinking the feelings when Thalan and Phoebus had kissed was more about himself and Elizabeth.
He pulled back slowly, noting the sad smile on Elizabeth's face when he ended the kiss.
"You okay?" he asked.
She chewed on her bottom lip, contemplating her answer before nodding and running her thumb over his lips.
"So?"
"So, it was nice."
"Just nice?"
"Very nice," she clarified.
"But still, just nice."
"It could have been nicer. If you weren't so worried about taking advantage of me," she said sarcastically. "It's not like I have a lot to compare it to. You're the only person I've kissed in the last few years, and both times it's been..."
"Nice," he repeated.
"Yeah,"she mused, "I was kind of hoping for hot, I think we should try again."
"You said one kiss," he told her.
"I'm drunk," she finally admitted, leaning towards him, "I lied."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John breathed heavily as he and Elizabeth parted. Despite his best intentions, she'd pounced on him, and he'd melted into her, emotions he hadn't felt for anyone since his ex-wife filling him.
"How did that one measure up?" he asked her.
"Hot," she told him breathlessly. "definitely hot."
"Good to know I broke through the threshold of 'nice'"
"Nice was blown out of the water," Elizabeth admitted. "Maybe we should try again though, you know.. just to make sure..."
"Elizabeth..." he warned.
"You're no fun.."
He laughed at that, "Lizabeth, come to me when you're sober. I'll show you just how much fun I can be."
She let out a groan. "My head hurts.."
"Well you will go drinking copius amounts of alien moonshine," he teased.
"I thought it was water... I think I'm going to sleep..."
"Sounds like a good plan," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her and running a hand over her head.
She sighed, "Did you know," she started, "that your eyes stay the same size as when you're born, but your ears and nose keep growing?"
John laughed, gently kissing the top of her head, "You know, I think I did hear that somewhere..."
John looked up from his card game slowly at the sound of McKay's shriek. He promptly looked back down, frowning. Where was he?
He'd been doing well in this new game. Learning quickly as he played along with Ronon, Teyla and one of their new Marovian allies. If nothing else, at least this society knew some pretty cool card games.
"So, I'm going to..." he began with a smirk.
"Sheppard! Get here NOW!"
Rodney was sounding desperate.
Teyla grinned. "Perhaps, John, you should go and see what he wants."
"Why me?" he muttered frustratedly.
Ronon shot Teyla an amused look "Maybe because it's your name he's yelling out like a scared little girl."
"Whatever... just don't look at my cards!" John ordered. He surveyed the group suspiciously, "On second thoughts, I'm taking them with me."
Teyla shook her head. Men. The Pegasus version was bad enough. These Earthlings seemed about ten times worse.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John stalked around the corner of the tent, following the sound of Rodney's yells until he found him.
"McKay, what the hell's the racket about?"
"Oh, finally. It's about time!" Rodney was backed into a corner, as far away from Elizabeth Weir as he could get.
John looked from one to the other, "What's the problem?"
"Her," Rodney pointed decisively at their leader, who gave John an innocent smile.
"Yeah, right, what's the real problem."
"Oh, fine, that's right, don't believe me. If you were here ten minutes ago when I started calling you.."
John turned to face the woman who was now standing beside him, "Elizabeth?"
She shrugged, smiled and gave Rodney an amused look.
He looked back at Rodney, "What, is she threatening you with a lemon or something? Grow up."
"Grow up? Oh, that's fine for you. She hasn't been trying to pinch your cheeks for the last ten minutes... she hasn't been calling you a chipmonk..."
John laughed.
"I'm serious." McKay said frustratedly, moving abruptly as Elizabeth took a step towards him, "she's drunk. And she's a pinchy drunk, too."
"Elizabeth?" John turned to look at her only to find her in some bizarre yoga pose on the floor. Huh. Elizabeth, on an alien planet, drunk and doing yoga. This was new. "McKay, what the hell did you give her?"
"Me?" he blustered "Don't look at me, I've been minding my own business. Those women, those so called negotiators she was hanging with all night. If anyone gave her anything, it was them. And it's not normal alcohol. I've seen her after a couple of drinks. She can handle her alcohol. She's never been this crazy before."
John looked back down at Elizabeth, who was now lying on her back on a pile of pillows, staring at McKay. "You have chubby cheeks just like a baby. They're just asking to be squeezed..." she told him.
"You see what I mean?" McKay yelled. "do something about it." He stormed out of the tent, leaving John alone with the now giggling Elizabeth.
He sighed and shook his head. Protection detail he could do. That was part of the job description. Babysitting a drunk diplomat was a different matter altogether.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John reached a hand out to Elizabeth, who was still lying in the pile of pillows.
She shook her head. "No, too happy here to get up. I'm gonna stay right where I am."
He raised an eyebrow. He didn't think he'd ever heard her speak like that. In that lazy, comfortable way.
"What have you been drinking?" he asked, not sure he'd get anything reasonable out of her.
"Don't know," she answered contemplatively. "it tasted like water...." She frowned, "I don't think it was water though...."
John sighed, "Come on Elizabeth, you need to get up."
"Why?" she countered. "Why don't you come down here? It's nice..."
He closed his eyes, shook his head, and lamented the loss of his card game. The card game he'd been winning.
"Come on," she insisted. "I'll move over. There's lots of room."
He looked around, considering his options. Either way, someone had to keep an eye on her tonight, and since Rodney had left the ball in his court, so to speak, there was no way out of it.
"Okay," he flopped unceremoniously down beside her.
"Here," she patted the pillow next to her head, and he got comfortable. As comfortable as he could get with his drunk boss lying next to him.
She was quiet for about five minutes, so that he thought she'd fallen asleep, but the silence was interupted with a completely random comment.
"Did you know the most common name in the world, our world I mean, is Mohammed?"
John smiled, "No, I didn't know that."
"Hmm..." she mused. "Well, did you know that Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street are named after characters from 'It's a Wonderful Life'?"
"Nope," he admitted, "didn't know that one, either." It seemed even under the influence of some alien alcohol, Elizabeth was still full of information.
"Did you know," she started slowly, "that there's an urban legend that a pregnant goldfish is called a twit?"
John laughed out loud at that one. "Well, I guess that makes Rodney a pregnant goldfish," he told her.
She turned to face him, grinning, "I thought you'd like that one."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John gazed at the wall of the tent, watching the flickering candlelight making patterns on the fabric and wishing he could be anywhere else.
The game of "did you know" was getting annoying. The first ten questions had been fine, but Elizabeth had been spouting useless facts for the past hour.
He wondered how long this alien booze was going to take to wear off.
"Did you know... "she started.
He let out a frustrated sigh and closed his eyes, only to open them again, when he felt her breath on his face.
"Did you know," she repeated, "that our eyes are the same size from the time we're born but our nose," she tapped his nose, "and our ears," she pulled at his right ear, "keep growing our whole lives?"
"So there's every chance they could get pointier. Well, that's something to look forward to," he muttered sarcastically.
Elizabeth smiled, "I think they're cute."
"Nice to know someone other than my mother does," he told her.
"Hmmm," she mused. "John, can I ask you something?"
He sighed. "Well you've been asking me a bunch of somethings all night, so I don't see why not."
"Okay..." for the first time she seemed hesitant, and wondered what could possibly have her so nervous. "Kiss me?" she asked.
"I ... what?"
"Kiss me." she stated. No longer a question, more like an order.
"'Lizabeth, you're drunk," he started.
"No," she insisted, "I'm tipsy."
"Sweetheart," he laughed "you're as drunk as a bar-room full of sailors at happy hour."
"Tipsy." she repeated. "I'm more honest when I'm tipsy..." she frowned. " but I guess now is one of those times when it's not a good thing."
He watched as she sat up, clearly embarrassed and upset.
"'Lizabeth," he started apologetically.
"Forget it," she told him abruptly, "I thought you'd wondered too... after Phoebus and Thalen.. I thought maybe you'd want to know if that was really us or them.. I guess I thought wrong."
John frowned, wondering how the hell he'd got himself into this situation, and wishing he'd left Rodney to have his cheeks pinched all night.
"I've thought about it a lot," he admitted. Honesty was the best policy, right?
"You thought it was bad."
"'Lizabeth, come on. As far as under alien influence kisses go, that was pretty high on my list."
"Then why won't you?" her response was soft, filled with emotion, and he realised how upset she was with the whole line of conversation.
"Elizabeth," he turned to face her, brushing a tear off her cheek, "I'd never take advantage of you. And you're drunk."
"Tipsy," she insisted, frustratedly.
"It's the same thing."
"No it's not," she fumed, lying on her back and closing her eyes. "You think I'm an idiot."
"You're one of the smartest people I know," he told her, "I'd never think you're an idiot. But if one day I was to kiss you, really kiss you, I'd want it to be under our own steam. Nothing to do with alien entities, nothing to do with you being drunk..."
"Tipsy!" she repeated angrily. "Forget it. If you really knew me, you'd know I'd never even think of asking you this if I was completely sober."
"Which is why I'd be taking advantage of your current state..."
"You think I'm ugly," she interupted.
He rolled his eyes. This was getting ridiculous. "No," he said slowly and deliberately, "I think you're hot."
"But not hot enough to kiss me."
He could feel his willpower giving way, because A. he hated to see her so upset, and B. he really did want to kiss her. He had for a long time.
But God, she was drunk. She was right. There's no way the in-control Elizabeth Weir he knew would ever ask him to do such a thing.
He took a deep breath and turned to face her. "One kiss."
She nodded. "Just one. I just want to know what it's like without Phoebus in my head."
John smiled, wrapped a curl of her hair around his finger, and leaned in to kiss her forehead.
"That had better not be it," she warned.
He laughed, "No, I was thinking more along the lines of something like this..."
John closed the small distance between them, touching his lips gently to hers, not at all surprised when she reached up to play with his left ear. He kept it soft, almost chaste, but the butterflies in his stomach told him he'd been right in thinking the feelings when Thalan and Phoebus had kissed was more about himself and Elizabeth.
He pulled back slowly, noting the sad smile on Elizabeth's face when he ended the kiss.
"You okay?" he asked.
She chewed on her bottom lip, contemplating her answer before nodding and running her thumb over his lips.
"So?"
"So, it was nice."
"Just nice?"
"Very nice," she clarified.
"But still, just nice."
"It could have been nicer. If you weren't so worried about taking advantage of me," she said sarcastically. "It's not like I have a lot to compare it to. You're the only person I've kissed in the last few years, and both times it's been..."
"Nice," he repeated.
"Yeah,"she mused, "I was kind of hoping for hot, I think we should try again."
"You said one kiss," he told her.
"I'm drunk," she finally admitted, leaning towards him, "I lied."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
John breathed heavily as he and Elizabeth parted. Despite his best intentions, she'd pounced on him, and he'd melted into her, emotions he hadn't felt for anyone since his ex-wife filling him.
"How did that one measure up?" he asked her.
"Hot," she told him breathlessly. "definitely hot."
"Good to know I broke through the threshold of 'nice'"
"Nice was blown out of the water," Elizabeth admitted. "Maybe we should try again though, you know.. just to make sure..."
"Elizabeth..." he warned.
"You're no fun.."
He laughed at that, "Lizabeth, come to me when you're sober. I'll show you just how much fun I can be."
She let out a groan. "My head hurts.."
"Well you will go drinking copius amounts of alien moonshine," he teased.
"I thought it was water... I think I'm going to sleep..."
"Sounds like a good plan," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her and running a hand over her head.
She sighed, "Did you know," she started, "that your eyes stay the same size as when you're born, but your ears and nose keep growing?"
John laughed, gently kissing the top of her head, "You know, I think I did hear that somewhere..."