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Title: Lucky
By: Robin
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: John/Elizabeth UST
Category: Humor, Crack!fic
Spoilers: None
Disclaimers: Neither Stargate Atlantis nor any of its characters belongs to me.
Notes: Inspired by a "fishy conversation" with Rose Wilde Irish and Kyrdwyn.

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John and Rodney were fishing.

Through Elizabeth's underwear drawer, that is.

Rodney had been wailing for the past half-hour (his face bright red the entire time), "Elizabeth is going to kill us!"

John, however, was sure that Elizabeth had hidden his lucky penny somewhere in her room. This was the last place they had checked, and now they were investigating it.

Of course, John was easily distracted. He wondered whether she wore this stuff all the time, or just for special occasions.

Rodney was intrigued, too, but he thought of Elizabeth rather like a stepsister - she might be hot, but mostly he was trying to keep his mind out of the gutter. She could kick his ass, after all. Anyway, Rodney was too embarrassed and too anxious to fully appreciate the lace and silk underwear, unlike John, who was enjoying them immensely. Her undergarments were very soft, and John was imagining Elizabeth in nothing but them - then nothing at all.

Rodney hissed, "Did you find it yet?!"

John, brain clouded by thoughts of Elizabeth!smut, said, "Huh?"

"Sheppard! Did you find your damn penny yet?!"

John smiled goofily. "No."

Rodney fumed, but before he could say anything, Radek's voice came over the radio: "Elizabeth is coming, Rodney! I could not delay her any longer!"

Rodney panicked. "Sheppard!"

The warning pierced through John's haze of lust. Quickly, he stuffed Elizabeth's lingerie back into the drawer, but one of her racier, lacier bras snagged on his shirt.

"Hurry up!" Rodney cried frantically.

"It's stuck!" John snapped back. He tugged on it, trying not to rip it. "It's not coming off! Damn hooks-"

Rodney could no longer wait. He darted out of the room, praying desperately that Elizabeth wasn't there.

"Rodney!" John quietly yelped as Rodney escaped.

Before the door closed, John heard Rodney trip and give a loud curse as he fell.

"Weir just passed me," Ronon's voice intoned in Sheppard's earpiece.

'Shittttttt,' John thought.

Quickly, he shoved the drawer closed and glanced around the room, looking for someplace to hide. He had less than a minute - 55 seconds... 50 - before Elizabeth came through the door and discovered him. Bathroom? No, no place to hide there. Closet? Maybe, but risky. Under the bed? Could he even fit? Aware of impending doom, John instinctively made his choice and dove underneath the bed just as the door opened. One of the bra cups peeked out, and John quickly pulled it under as Elizabeth stepped inside. He held his breath.

Obviously, all he could see was Elizabeth's shoes. He heard her sigh and unzip her jacket. The jacket was tossed onto the bed, and the shoes entered the bathroom. Unfortunately, she didn't close the door, and he could still see her from under the bed.

John sighed quietly.

Trying to get comfortable, he moved his head around, and it was then that he noticed something shiny next to the bra. Hey! His lucky penny! It must've been under the bed the entire time... or else it had been hidden inside the bra. He wasn't sure which.

He heard water running. Maybe she was going to take a shower. John could only hope.

It was bad enough that Radek (a coin collector) had asked to see his penny, resulting in Rodney, of course, making fun of John, and that had led to John and Rodney arguing, causing Elizabeth to step in to stop their fight, confiscating the penny during the process. Yes, that was plenty bad - his precious penny taken from him quite unfairly - but now he was in his boss's room, under her bed, with a very sexy bra stuck to his shirt. His only comfort was that there were no dust bunnies (unlike in his own room) and that he had finally retrieved his lucky penny.

Fortunately for John, it seemed his penny truly was lucky. The door to the bathroom closed. John wisely used the opportunity to escape. He slid out from under the bed. As he silently crept towards the door, his earpiece suddenly gave a loud, piercing shriek.

"Fuck!" he shouted, clutching his ear.

The water in the bathroom abruptly shut off. Uh oh. John flew out the door top-speed, clutching his penny and Elizabeth's bra to his chest.

Thankfully, he encountered no one in the hallway. Finally, he made it back to his room in one piece. It was only in the safety of his own quarters that he allowed himself to relax.

"Sheppard?" Rodney's voice tentatively said over the earpiece.

"Rodney, what the fuck was that?" John snapped.

John could almost hear Rodney wince. "It was Radek-"

Radek's voice, sounding far away, snapped, "It was not!"

"You two almost got me caught by Elizabeth," John said angrily. "And by the way, thanks for bailing out on me, Rodney."

"No sense in both of us getting caught," Rodney retorted testily.

"Anyway," John said, "I found my penny, and I even have Elizabeth's bra as a memento-"

"What?!"

Reasonably, John said, "I can't exactly return it to her, can I? 'Hey, I found your bra, and I know it's yours because I know your cup size intimately-'"

Rodney said, "But-"

Suddenly John's door opened.

John immediately hid his bra-ed arm behind his back and removed his earpiece, shoving it into his pants pocket just as Elizabeth stepped inside.

"Elizabeth!" John squeaked. "Hi! Uh, what brings you here?"

Elizabeth's hair was still damp, and he could smell her shampoo. She gazed at him warily. "I was taking a shower when I heard someone in my room."

"Uh... really." John tried to look puzzled.

"There are only three people in this city with my access code," Elizabeth continued. "I was going to confront Rodney, but I think he values his life enough not to enter without my permission."

John thought, 'Think again.'

Elizabeth stared at him. "So, we both know who that leaves."

John said, "Um, Bates?"

Elizabeth glared. "I also happened to notice, while I was putting my clothes on, that my favorite bra was missing."

John stared. This was Elizabeth's favorite bra? The one she likely wore all... the... time? John tried not to pass out.

Elizabeth took advantage of his lowered guard and grabbed his arm. "Ah hah!" Triumphantly, she found her bra still attached to his clothing.

John began, "I can explain-"

"You stole my bra!" Elizabeth said.

"You confiscated my penny!"

"Not permanently! I was going to return it!"

"It's my lucky penny! It has sentimental value!"

"So that gives you the right to go through my underwear?"

"I was just looking for my penny!" John protested. "It's not like I wanted to see all that-"

Elizabeth glowered.

John backpedaled quickly. "I mean... your lingerie is very nice. Very pretty. Lacey. Nice. But, uh, I wouldn't touch it without good reason-"

Elizabeth eyed him wordlessly.

John cleared his throat uncomfortably. "... So, you wear this bra a lot?"

Elizabeth unhooked it from his shirt and smacked him on the head.

"Ow!"

Elizabeth glared. "I'm changing my code, and this time, I'm only giving it to Major Lorne and Carson!" She stormed out.

John rubbed the back of his aching head. But at least he had his lucky penny. He looked at it to give him strength. It was then that he realized it wasn't his penny at all. Just as he was about to start weeping unmanfully, Elizabeth re-entered. She tossed something small onto his bed.

"My penny!" John exclaimed. He clung to it happily.

Elizabeth looked at him, pity and amusement on her face. "The next time you go looking for confiscated items, try my office," Elizabeth advised. She shook her head. "Really, John, my lingerie drawer?"

John looked at her with his best puppy-dog face. "My grandfather gave me this penny."

Elizabeth sighed and patted him on the head.

John smiled as she left the room. His lucky penny had allowed him to see the wonders of Elizabeth's lingerie drawer. Maybe next time, it would help him get even luckier.

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end


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