Two Weeks Later
It was late in the evening when he finally decided to turn in. Trying not to drag his feet down the hall, he kept a careful eye out for the roaming patrols as he turned the corner to the hallway where Elizabeth’s quarters were.
Seeing no one, he waved a hand over the door sensors and entered her room, his eyes immediately resting on Elizabeth, sitting on the bed with her laptop atop her outstretched legs and headphones in her ears. He knew if the headphones hadn’t been on, she would have known in an instant that he was there, but she seemed momentarily unaware of his presence.
It had been a long two weeks for both of them. Elizabeth’s sight still hadn’t returned, and he knew that although she hid it well from everyone else, she was frustrated and worried by her lack of progress. And as she was prone to do, she tried to find other ways to overcompensate.
She exercised with Teyla, honing her senses to the sounds and feel of movement around her. Although he trusted Teyla not to overwork Elizabeth, he couldn’t help but check in a few times during her daily sessions, always quietly from the doorway, though Teyla had taken to shooting him annoyed looks at his appearance.
Elizabeth had become a steady presence in the offices of Sam, Daniel, and Carson. John knew she wanted to feel useful, she was especially anxious to know if Carson had come across anything new on her condition. The doctor was always as disappointed as she was that he hadn’t come up with anything new. Elizabeth was usually good at hiding her own disappointment, at least until she was alone with John. She hadn’t broken down again since the night she’d called him to her, but she often turned to him when they were alone, seeking the quiet comfort of his arms around her. She would hug him tightly, and he held her as long as she needed.
Wishing he could spend more time with her, but knowing there was a city to run, he’d spent most of the previous weeks busy with his teams, catching up on their training schedules, and reading mission reports. Most detailed the attempted rescue missions, but they often had helpful information on planets to return to. Shocked at his own physical degradation in the weeks of captivity, he’d been steadily working with Ronon to regain his strength and endurance. He still had a way to go, but running up the steps to the command center no longer left him breathing deeply.
John reflected that although he and Elizabeth spent a great deal of their time apart, they’d never been closer. It still felt strange to have Sam and Daniel technically in charge of their city, like he and Elizabeth were intruders, and it didn’t help that Elizabeth felt weakened by her inability to see. She didn’t have to say it; John just knew. Just like he knew she didn’t like using the cane Carson had given her to navigate around the city, but she hated bumping into things and falling more. On the other hand, since they weren’t officially in charge of Atlantis and the city was going through a miraculously crisis-free period, they both had more free time than they’d had in years, maybe decades, considering her years of time in politics and his tenure in the military.
Their free time was usually in the evenings after the day’s activities. They had dinner and often retreated to her room. She was still adjusting to being blind, and John didn’t feel the need to socialize. The only person he wanted to be with was her.
John had barely been to his quarters in the last week. Every once in awhile he picked up some clothes, a book, or something he thought of that he needed. But those items never returned to his room once he was done with them. They’d ended up in Elizabeth’s closet and drawers, or on her desk and bedside table.
At night, their daily routine was regular and, quite frankly, what he would have called boring a few years ago. It was almost choreographed, just like an old married couple—he would finish in the bathroom, then find the book he’d been reading to her while she brushed her teeth. Then he would settle into bed, find the place they left off, and wait for her, in his boxers and t-shirt. Eventually, she would join him, settling comfortably against him in those soft pajamas that he loved to feel against his skin ready to listen to his familiar voice until she fell asleep. Her even breathing was his cue to put aside the book, turn out the lights, and gather her close. Soon enough, the feel of her, the rhythm of her breathing, lulled him into a peaceful sleep.
Although they maintained a professional distance during the day, the fact that John spent every spare second in Elizabeth’s room while his own gathered dust was the city’s worst-kept secret. He knew that it was the most popular rumor on Atlantis, and although rumors rarely reached the command center, he also suspected that Colonel Carter was aware of the situation. It wasn’t technically breaking any rules, but John also wondered whether Colonel Carter just chose to turn a blind eye. In any case, she has said nothing.
Even though the whole city was abuzz over their new sleeping arrangements and, no doubt, certain assumed intimacies, he and Elizabeth hadn’t made love. He’d thought about it, of course, if only to show her how much she meant to him since they couldn’t be publicly affectionate during the day. It wasn’t until he realized he couldn’t touch her whenever he wanted, couldn’t drop a kiss on her lips or curl a strand of her hair around his finger, that he realized how much he wanted to.
He also sensed Elizabeth holding back. She was openly giving and responsive to his touch, but in the few times when things started getting intense and their clothing began to litter the ground, she reluctantly pulled back, with sad, soft apologies to him. He tried hard to understand, despite his own physical discomfort, but it confused him, and he wondered what stopped her.
He suspected that she was holding back because it would mean yet another step towards accepting her situation as it was. She tried to explain it to him once, that being with him without her sight wasn’t something she was ready for, but he cut off her rambling explanation with a kiss, silencing her. Her expression reflected her worry about his reaction, but he told her softly that she didn’t have to explain, that they would be together when they were both ready.
He recognized that she was adjusting to her blindness, but that intimacy with him was like accepting that her sight would not return, and that was something she just couldn’t do. Not yet. Part of John was more than a little frustrated, but he understood her well enough to wait.
Soon after her release from the infirmary, the two of them had measured her quarters, with Elizabeth touching and counting paces along the way as John described where things were, so she would know how to find what she needed. After that, he learned to shed his jacket, placing it carefully on the chair, and slip his shoes off by the door in their designated spot. Knowing she could stumble over shoes or gear left in the wrong place was enough to turn him into a consummate neat freak.
With the bed and Elizabeth looking inviting, he sat down, turning on his stomach and crawling to her. Her eyes flickered in his direction and a slight smile as his movement shifted the bed, but she didn’t jump. Wryly, he realized she’d probably known he was there long before he suspected.
Getting close to her, she put the laptop to the side, leaving her lap open. With a sound deep in his throat that could have been a purr, he laid his head in her lap, closing his eyes at the blissful feeling of her fingers in his hair, lightly scraping the scalp and alternately rubbing his head. He had a feeling she now knew his biggest weakness and that she could get him to agree to anything when he was this content, with her hands in his hair.
He turned his head towards her hand and kissed the palm. She returned the sentiment by finding his hand and pulling it to her cheek. His fingers molded around the curve of her face, marveling at the softness. When he dropped his hand, it found hers and their fingers intertwined as if the caress were old and familiar.
John was content to lay there, the comfort and warmth of her presence and the softness of the bed easing the tension in his muscles. Finally though, he opened his eyes to look up at her face, which was tilted back and resting against the headboard. He could hear a voice through the headphones and curious, he tugged her hand to get her attention. She paused the player on the laptop and removed one of the headphones from her ear, looking down at him. He was surprised to realize that he had almost adjusted to the way that she looked at—or rather, through—him, and that she was not the only one adjusting to her blindness.
“Elizabeth, what are you listening to?” he asked. She smiled broadly.
“It’s software that’s designed to read me the text in any document. I can listen to all the reports, memos, and communication through this program,” she said, her voice excited as she turned the audio back on. John could tell she was thrilled with the software, and he knew it helped her to feel a little more in touch with the city and the people of Atlantis. Even while not in charge, she was unable to turn off her concern and interest for their city.
“There are similar programs available on Earth, but Rodney and Radek were kind enough to put this one together for me.”
John nodded, listening as the voice drifted through the headphones. His eyes narrowed and he sat up suddenly.
“Elizabeth, is that Rodney’s voice?” he asked in disbelief. She laughed a little and nodded.
“Yes, well, it was either Rodney’s voice or Radek’s voice in Czech.”
John picked up the free headphone and put it in his ear, listening as Elizabeth did to Rodney’s slightly impatient, fast and clipped tone deliver a mission brief from Atlantis Team Four. He shook his head and handed the headphone back to Elizabeth.
“I think maybe you should have gone with Zelenka’s Czech,” he commented. She laughed out loud, nodding as she paused the program again and removed the other headphone, placing them to the side. John grinned as she turned her full attention to him. With ease he leaned into her, pressing a firm kiss to her lips. Her hands went around his neck and she pulled him close, allowing him to press her into the bed, his hands on her back and waist.
He loved this part of the day, when they were alone and could shed their professional facades and just be John and Elizabeth. Maybe it was their six weeks of captivity, but they had quickly slipped into roles of intimacy and familiarity he’d never experienced in any of his previous relationships. There was no uneasiness or mistrust. Only understanding and comfort.
After dropping a kiss to her brow, he pulled back, brushing the hair back from her forehead, and nuzzling the side of her neck.
“Hello, beautiful.”
She blushed at his voice, soft and low in her ear. That he could do that to her thrilled him, and ensured he did it often. After he realized that Elizabeth didn’t see herself as particularly beautiful, he made a point of reminding her whenever the thought struck him. Which, he fully admitted, was quite often.
“How was your day?” she asked quietly. He shrugged.
“Meetings, work out with Ronon, Rodney had me pick up a few Ancient devices. Doctor Jackson talked my ear off for an hour about some artifacts they found on one of the planets they searched while looking for us. Another quiet day in Atlantis,” he observed, strangely unsettled by the general lack of major disasters. Rodney had managed to nearly blow up part of the east tower with another unknown Ancient device, but when John touched it the machine had fallen silent. And John had been entertained by the vocal reprimand Colonel Carter had given Rodney for his actions.
Elizabeth nodded and they sat for a few more quiet minutes before he reluctantly pulled away from her.
“I’m going to shower, then bed?” he asked. She nodded, pulling the laptop towards her.
“I’ll listen to a few more reports until you get out.”
She heard John beginning to shed clothes, listening to the sound of his cotton shirt pulled over his head and across his skin, the ripping of the Velcro from his watch and wristband as he removed them, the clink of his dogtags around his neck and against his chest. She could tell he was pulling them off as the tags and chain fell in a metallic click against the bedside table. She swallowed carefully at the sound as he unsnapped and unzipped his pants and they fell in a heavy heap on the ground. And she listened as he scooped everything up and slid the closet door open, putting the clothing in the hamper. Finally, his footsteps receded away from her and into the bathroom, followed by the sound of the water spraying against the shower tiles.
Tugging the headphones from her ears, she put the laptop to the side and put her hands over her face, rubbing her eyes and feeling the heat rise to her neck. Not being able to see him undress, but hearing and knowing he was doing it right there had a potent effect on her. She knew he did it unconsciously, that he had no idea how effectively it made her want to stop him and continue removing the clothes herself. Without sight, she had developed a highly sensitized and overactive imagination when it came to sounds. And the sounds associated with John shedding all his clothes nearly drove her crazy with desire to see and feel him in the only ways she could now: with her hands and lips.
It was times like these that made her wonder what was holding her back. She was closer to John then anyone else in her entire life, ever. But she also knew somehow that that closeness was the reason she held back. There were so many things she had already had to accept due to her blindness, but the thought of not seeing John the first time they made love, of being so uncertain during what should be a perfect moment—there were already so many areas of her life confused and troubling, the one area there was clarity was John. She didn’t want to confuse that by tainting their first time together with her uneasiness and unfamiliarity.
She reached across the bed and picked up his dogtags where she’d heard them drop. She fingered the engraved words, knowing what they said, although the words and numbers were too small to actually make out with her fingertips. Suddenly she realized why she remembered the tags with such clarity—because one of the last things she could recall seeing in the moments before their rescue were these dogtags. She and John had been locked in their cell, not sure when and if they would be rescued. And John had asked to kiss her.
She’d hesitated then, but had agreed, and she very clearly remembered pulling his dogtags and him close to her, pulling him across the line of decorum and unspoken rules and towards her. It hadn’t been with any hesitation then, and now, as she felt the cool metal warm to her touch, she wondered why she continued to hesitate. John wanted to be with her. He had then and he did now. She didn’t doubt him. Even if she couldn’t see his face to read his expressions, his body language was incredibly honest, especially towards her, and she realized that she was the one not being honest. She was holding back when there was no real reason to. As a result, she was depriving them both, not just of physical intimacy, but of honesty with him and with herself about her feelings.
Resolved, she quickly shut off the laptop, putting it on the table in its designated spot. She knew she didn’t want to wait any longer and hearing the shower still running, she undressed quickly and walked towards the bathroom without a single thought of hesitation. The humid air and cool tiles in the bathroom caressed her bare skin as she reached the shower stall, knowing John was there. Unintentionally, she felt her heart beat faster, anticipating his reaction. Still, an unbidden part of her longed to see his face.
John leaned against the shower wall, his hands flat against the tile and his head bowed with eyes closed as the water sprayed down his neck and back. The warm water soothed aching muscles but the lull of Elizabeth, warm and comfortable in bed, was enough to make him reach to shut off the water. His movements froze when he heard her voice, impossibly close, whispering his name.
Turning his head and blinking through the water, he felt his breath catch and stop at the sight of Elizabeth, naked at the shower stall entrance. She was more beautiful than even his imagination, with her skin looking incredibly soft, and the humidity tightening her hair into curls around her face. His body was well ahead of him, his mind still shocked that she has come to him in the shower, and he fought the extreme urge to pull her against him, to ignore the time, location, place, or circumstances.
“Elizabeth, what are you doing?” he asked, his voice strangled as he looked at her. Hearing the distress in his voice and better at interpreting it than anyone, she took a step closer to him, knowing now exactly where he was in the shower. He took a step back and swallowed with difficulty as she stepped under the spray, the water falling in rivets down her body.
“I know why I’ve been holding back, but I just realized how stupid it was and how wrong. How could I pull away from you, of all people? I don’t want to wait for my sight to return because that may never happen. And whether I’m able to see again or if I’m like this the rest of my life, it doesn’t and can’t change how I feel about you. And it doesn’t change how much I want to be with you.”
John imagined that if she could see him, she might have laughed at the desperate look on his face. His heart and mind warred with his body. He knew Elizabeth didn’t make decisions lightly, but he didn’t want her to make one she would regret. And certainly not a decision about him that she might regret. But he really, really wanted to feel her skin against his and he didn’t know if he was humanly able to resist her when she was standing naked in front of him, offering herself to him in the most personal way she could.
“Elizabeth . . .“
“John,” she stopped him cold with her tone, commanding his attention.
“Stop thinking and kiss me.”
Knowing there was no way he could resist and realizing she’d known that all along, he reached for her, allowing himself a few precious seconds to marvel at her smooth skin under his hand, and allowing his hands to drift lightly from her hips to her waist, up her sides, skimming her breasts as one hand traced her collarbone while the other ran down her shoulder to her arm and then her hand, twining her fingers with his. Watching her closely, he saw her shiver under his touch and, his resolve shattered as he lowered his head to hers and kissed her hungrily, ignoring the spray of the water as it drenched them both.
His knees nearly buckled as she engulfed him in her arms, bringing their bodies flush against each other. To steady himself, he pushed her against the shower wall, careful not to put too much weight against her. He managed to catch his breath for an instant until she lifted a leg, hooking her calf around his and bringing him impossibly closer to where he wanted to be.
“I’m not going to last very long if you keep doing things like that,” he murmured in her ear. She smiled against his neck and nipped at his earlobe.
“Who says I want you to last very long?” she replied. He groaned as she rubbed the length of her body against him and gritted his teeth, managing to reign in his control and pull back from her a little.
“I just don’t want you to be disappointed,” he admitted. And he knew by the look on her face that she understood. This wasn’t just about sex, not with them. It went deeper for them both. They weren’t novices with the act, but it was more important that they were novices with each other.
Turning off the water, he took her hand and led her into the main part of the bathroom, handing her a towel. She began to dry off and he quickly rubbed the moisture from his skin and hair, finishing before she did. Taking the towel from her hands, he finished drying her carefully, his eyes following his hands as they drifted over her. When he was done, he glanced at her face, pleased to see the blatant desire there. Although she couldn’t see his reaction to her, he tried to show her with his touch.
She responded willingly, pulling him close again. John reflected wryly that at the rate they were going, they would never make it to the bed. Resolved, he guided her back, feeling the foot of the bed as it hit the back of his knees. He fell back, taking Elizabeth with him and she landed on top of him, laughing. His laughter joined hers and he smiled up at her, her hair falling around both their heads in a dark curtain. He memorized the smile on her face, the sparkle in her eyes, and the flush of her cheeks. They hadn’t often had such moments of unadulterated happiness, and he wanted to capture it visually for both of them. One hand stole up to cup her face and he leaned up, meeting her lips in a kiss that turned deep and urgent in a hurry.
And when he gently turned her over, covering his long body with hers, he stopped for a second to marvel at how well they fit together. She didn’t allow him much time for reflection, and soon all he could think about was every sense in his body that she brought alive by her touch, her entire body enfolding his, and the sounds of their voices and breathing as they quickened and met.
********
It was a long time before coherent thought returned to John’s brain.
Even as it did, it came only in snatches at first. At some point, he realized he’d pulled Elizabeth to him, spooning her from the back, their bodies still humming. She was warm against his quickly cooling skin, and she didn’t seem to mind that his arms engulfed her, one around her waist and the other crossing her chest so that his hand laid loosely at her collar bone.
Tired but content, his fingers traced light patterns over her skin, and her fingers returned the caress on his forearm. He buried his nose into the back of her neck, nuzzling and breathing the scent of her in. It was like he still couldn’t get enough of touching and smelling her.
He closed his eyes, trying to imagine all the sensations he was feeling without sight, as she did. It was hard to conjure in his mind. The look on her face as he entered her, the way her eyes widened and how she reached for him were burned into his brain.
He was fascinated with how his skin looked next to hers. She was a little paler than he was, and her hair was finer and lighter. She seemed so much softer than he that he wondered if his courser skin and hair was abrasive. But as she turned over to face him, rubbing her face against his and against the pervasive five o’clock shadow on his jaw, he concluded she liked the feeling.
Her content sigh in his ear would make any man with an ego feel overconfident, but the feeling was mutual, and he suspected deep down that the reason why was because he couldn’t imagine anyone meaning as much to him, couldn’t imagine any single person’s happiness, health, and safety being as important to him as hers.
“You know I love you, right?”
The words were out before he could even think to vocalize them, his tone thankfully quiet and truthful instead of a rush of blurted emotions. Elizabeth reached up to touch his face, her fingers threading into the hair at the back of his neck, pulling him close for a gentle kiss. As she pulled back, a bright, wide smile lit her face.
“Yes, I did know that.”
Imagining the earnest expression on his face, she couldn’t help but smile, and she realized that although she still imagined how he looked at her, she didn’t long for it in the same way. She was delighted at his words, but not surprised. Although there had been plenty of uncertainty a few weeks ago about their relationship, there was no doubt in her mind after all they’d been through.
“Good,” he replied, watching her carefully. More than anything he was relieved to have said the words. Words were often a formality, but some things should be said, no matter how unspoken. And although his declaration didn’t necessarily need an answer, he couldn’t help but hope for one, even if he still wasn’t sure he deserved it.
“Just as I love you.”
He couldn’t help but be surprised at her words. Not since his mother died had anyone said they loved him and really meant it. And women as smart as Elizabeth usually didn’t end up with guys like him. Ever since meeting Elizabeth, joining the Atlantis expedition, and running the city alongside her, he’d considered himself incredibly lucky. Realizing along the way that Elizabeth considered him her friend and confidant had been a pleasant surprise. Seeing her trust in him, her courage during their capture, and her strength in the aftermath had floored him. But he was finally starting to believe it all.
“You do?” he asked, wincing as those words were blurted out of his mouth without much thought. Her face turned somber and her eyes serious, even as they were unseeing. She stroked his face with gentle fingers.
“Very much.”
John hadn’t always been the quickest to react to emotional situations. In military matters he had no problem coming to conclusions and formulating a plan with ease and swiftness. But this . . . It had somehow taken him a little while to understand how important he was to Elizabeth. His feelings for her were clear in his mind. Now though, looking at her, he understood that he was the most important thing in her world, too. She was his, and no one else had ever, or would likely ever, see her as he did.
And he wasn’t planning on ever letting that change.
TBC
It was late in the evening when he finally decided to turn in. Trying not to drag his feet down the hall, he kept a careful eye out for the roaming patrols as he turned the corner to the hallway where Elizabeth’s quarters were.
Seeing no one, he waved a hand over the door sensors and entered her room, his eyes immediately resting on Elizabeth, sitting on the bed with her laptop atop her outstretched legs and headphones in her ears. He knew if the headphones hadn’t been on, she would have known in an instant that he was there, but she seemed momentarily unaware of his presence.
It had been a long two weeks for both of them. Elizabeth’s sight still hadn’t returned, and he knew that although she hid it well from everyone else, she was frustrated and worried by her lack of progress. And as she was prone to do, she tried to find other ways to overcompensate.
She exercised with Teyla, honing her senses to the sounds and feel of movement around her. Although he trusted Teyla not to overwork Elizabeth, he couldn’t help but check in a few times during her daily sessions, always quietly from the doorway, though Teyla had taken to shooting him annoyed looks at his appearance.
Elizabeth had become a steady presence in the offices of Sam, Daniel, and Carson. John knew she wanted to feel useful, she was especially anxious to know if Carson had come across anything new on her condition. The doctor was always as disappointed as she was that he hadn’t come up with anything new. Elizabeth was usually good at hiding her own disappointment, at least until she was alone with John. She hadn’t broken down again since the night she’d called him to her, but she often turned to him when they were alone, seeking the quiet comfort of his arms around her. She would hug him tightly, and he held her as long as she needed.
Wishing he could spend more time with her, but knowing there was a city to run, he’d spent most of the previous weeks busy with his teams, catching up on their training schedules, and reading mission reports. Most detailed the attempted rescue missions, but they often had helpful information on planets to return to. Shocked at his own physical degradation in the weeks of captivity, he’d been steadily working with Ronon to regain his strength and endurance. He still had a way to go, but running up the steps to the command center no longer left him breathing deeply.
John reflected that although he and Elizabeth spent a great deal of their time apart, they’d never been closer. It still felt strange to have Sam and Daniel technically in charge of their city, like he and Elizabeth were intruders, and it didn’t help that Elizabeth felt weakened by her inability to see. She didn’t have to say it; John just knew. Just like he knew she didn’t like using the cane Carson had given her to navigate around the city, but she hated bumping into things and falling more. On the other hand, since they weren’t officially in charge of Atlantis and the city was going through a miraculously crisis-free period, they both had more free time than they’d had in years, maybe decades, considering her years of time in politics and his tenure in the military.
Their free time was usually in the evenings after the day’s activities. They had dinner and often retreated to her room. She was still adjusting to being blind, and John didn’t feel the need to socialize. The only person he wanted to be with was her.
John had barely been to his quarters in the last week. Every once in awhile he picked up some clothes, a book, or something he thought of that he needed. But those items never returned to his room once he was done with them. They’d ended up in Elizabeth’s closet and drawers, or on her desk and bedside table.
At night, their daily routine was regular and, quite frankly, what he would have called boring a few years ago. It was almost choreographed, just like an old married couple—he would finish in the bathroom, then find the book he’d been reading to her while she brushed her teeth. Then he would settle into bed, find the place they left off, and wait for her, in his boxers and t-shirt. Eventually, she would join him, settling comfortably against him in those soft pajamas that he loved to feel against his skin ready to listen to his familiar voice until she fell asleep. Her even breathing was his cue to put aside the book, turn out the lights, and gather her close. Soon enough, the feel of her, the rhythm of her breathing, lulled him into a peaceful sleep.
Although they maintained a professional distance during the day, the fact that John spent every spare second in Elizabeth’s room while his own gathered dust was the city’s worst-kept secret. He knew that it was the most popular rumor on Atlantis, and although rumors rarely reached the command center, he also suspected that Colonel Carter was aware of the situation. It wasn’t technically breaking any rules, but John also wondered whether Colonel Carter just chose to turn a blind eye. In any case, she has said nothing.
Even though the whole city was abuzz over their new sleeping arrangements and, no doubt, certain assumed intimacies, he and Elizabeth hadn’t made love. He’d thought about it, of course, if only to show her how much she meant to him since they couldn’t be publicly affectionate during the day. It wasn’t until he realized he couldn’t touch her whenever he wanted, couldn’t drop a kiss on her lips or curl a strand of her hair around his finger, that he realized how much he wanted to.
He also sensed Elizabeth holding back. She was openly giving and responsive to his touch, but in the few times when things started getting intense and their clothing began to litter the ground, she reluctantly pulled back, with sad, soft apologies to him. He tried hard to understand, despite his own physical discomfort, but it confused him, and he wondered what stopped her.
He suspected that she was holding back because it would mean yet another step towards accepting her situation as it was. She tried to explain it to him once, that being with him without her sight wasn’t something she was ready for, but he cut off her rambling explanation with a kiss, silencing her. Her expression reflected her worry about his reaction, but he told her softly that she didn’t have to explain, that they would be together when they were both ready.
He recognized that she was adjusting to her blindness, but that intimacy with him was like accepting that her sight would not return, and that was something she just couldn’t do. Not yet. Part of John was more than a little frustrated, but he understood her well enough to wait.
Soon after her release from the infirmary, the two of them had measured her quarters, with Elizabeth touching and counting paces along the way as John described where things were, so she would know how to find what she needed. After that, he learned to shed his jacket, placing it carefully on the chair, and slip his shoes off by the door in their designated spot. Knowing she could stumble over shoes or gear left in the wrong place was enough to turn him into a consummate neat freak.
With the bed and Elizabeth looking inviting, he sat down, turning on his stomach and crawling to her. Her eyes flickered in his direction and a slight smile as his movement shifted the bed, but she didn’t jump. Wryly, he realized she’d probably known he was there long before he suspected.
Getting close to her, she put the laptop to the side, leaving her lap open. With a sound deep in his throat that could have been a purr, he laid his head in her lap, closing his eyes at the blissful feeling of her fingers in his hair, lightly scraping the scalp and alternately rubbing his head. He had a feeling she now knew his biggest weakness and that she could get him to agree to anything when he was this content, with her hands in his hair.
He turned his head towards her hand and kissed the palm. She returned the sentiment by finding his hand and pulling it to her cheek. His fingers molded around the curve of her face, marveling at the softness. When he dropped his hand, it found hers and their fingers intertwined as if the caress were old and familiar.
John was content to lay there, the comfort and warmth of her presence and the softness of the bed easing the tension in his muscles. Finally though, he opened his eyes to look up at her face, which was tilted back and resting against the headboard. He could hear a voice through the headphones and curious, he tugged her hand to get her attention. She paused the player on the laptop and removed one of the headphones from her ear, looking down at him. He was surprised to realize that he had almost adjusted to the way that she looked at—or rather, through—him, and that she was not the only one adjusting to her blindness.
“Elizabeth, what are you listening to?” he asked. She smiled broadly.
“It’s software that’s designed to read me the text in any document. I can listen to all the reports, memos, and communication through this program,” she said, her voice excited as she turned the audio back on. John could tell she was thrilled with the software, and he knew it helped her to feel a little more in touch with the city and the people of Atlantis. Even while not in charge, she was unable to turn off her concern and interest for their city.
“There are similar programs available on Earth, but Rodney and Radek were kind enough to put this one together for me.”
John nodded, listening as the voice drifted through the headphones. His eyes narrowed and he sat up suddenly.
“Elizabeth, is that Rodney’s voice?” he asked in disbelief. She laughed a little and nodded.
“Yes, well, it was either Rodney’s voice or Radek’s voice in Czech.”
John picked up the free headphone and put it in his ear, listening as Elizabeth did to Rodney’s slightly impatient, fast and clipped tone deliver a mission brief from Atlantis Team Four. He shook his head and handed the headphone back to Elizabeth.
“I think maybe you should have gone with Zelenka’s Czech,” he commented. She laughed out loud, nodding as she paused the program again and removed the other headphone, placing them to the side. John grinned as she turned her full attention to him. With ease he leaned into her, pressing a firm kiss to her lips. Her hands went around his neck and she pulled him close, allowing him to press her into the bed, his hands on her back and waist.
He loved this part of the day, when they were alone and could shed their professional facades and just be John and Elizabeth. Maybe it was their six weeks of captivity, but they had quickly slipped into roles of intimacy and familiarity he’d never experienced in any of his previous relationships. There was no uneasiness or mistrust. Only understanding and comfort.
After dropping a kiss to her brow, he pulled back, brushing the hair back from her forehead, and nuzzling the side of her neck.
“Hello, beautiful.”
She blushed at his voice, soft and low in her ear. That he could do that to her thrilled him, and ensured he did it often. After he realized that Elizabeth didn’t see herself as particularly beautiful, he made a point of reminding her whenever the thought struck him. Which, he fully admitted, was quite often.
“How was your day?” she asked quietly. He shrugged.
“Meetings, work out with Ronon, Rodney had me pick up a few Ancient devices. Doctor Jackson talked my ear off for an hour about some artifacts they found on one of the planets they searched while looking for us. Another quiet day in Atlantis,” he observed, strangely unsettled by the general lack of major disasters. Rodney had managed to nearly blow up part of the east tower with another unknown Ancient device, but when John touched it the machine had fallen silent. And John had been entertained by the vocal reprimand Colonel Carter had given Rodney for his actions.
Elizabeth nodded and they sat for a few more quiet minutes before he reluctantly pulled away from her.
“I’m going to shower, then bed?” he asked. She nodded, pulling the laptop towards her.
“I’ll listen to a few more reports until you get out.”
She heard John beginning to shed clothes, listening to the sound of his cotton shirt pulled over his head and across his skin, the ripping of the Velcro from his watch and wristband as he removed them, the clink of his dogtags around his neck and against his chest. She could tell he was pulling them off as the tags and chain fell in a metallic click against the bedside table. She swallowed carefully at the sound as he unsnapped and unzipped his pants and they fell in a heavy heap on the ground. And she listened as he scooped everything up and slid the closet door open, putting the clothing in the hamper. Finally, his footsteps receded away from her and into the bathroom, followed by the sound of the water spraying against the shower tiles.
Tugging the headphones from her ears, she put the laptop to the side and put her hands over her face, rubbing her eyes and feeling the heat rise to her neck. Not being able to see him undress, but hearing and knowing he was doing it right there had a potent effect on her. She knew he did it unconsciously, that he had no idea how effectively it made her want to stop him and continue removing the clothes herself. Without sight, she had developed a highly sensitized and overactive imagination when it came to sounds. And the sounds associated with John shedding all his clothes nearly drove her crazy with desire to see and feel him in the only ways she could now: with her hands and lips.
It was times like these that made her wonder what was holding her back. She was closer to John then anyone else in her entire life, ever. But she also knew somehow that that closeness was the reason she held back. There were so many things she had already had to accept due to her blindness, but the thought of not seeing John the first time they made love, of being so uncertain during what should be a perfect moment—there were already so many areas of her life confused and troubling, the one area there was clarity was John. She didn’t want to confuse that by tainting their first time together with her uneasiness and unfamiliarity.
She reached across the bed and picked up his dogtags where she’d heard them drop. She fingered the engraved words, knowing what they said, although the words and numbers were too small to actually make out with her fingertips. Suddenly she realized why she remembered the tags with such clarity—because one of the last things she could recall seeing in the moments before their rescue were these dogtags. She and John had been locked in their cell, not sure when and if they would be rescued. And John had asked to kiss her.
She’d hesitated then, but had agreed, and she very clearly remembered pulling his dogtags and him close to her, pulling him across the line of decorum and unspoken rules and towards her. It hadn’t been with any hesitation then, and now, as she felt the cool metal warm to her touch, she wondered why she continued to hesitate. John wanted to be with her. He had then and he did now. She didn’t doubt him. Even if she couldn’t see his face to read his expressions, his body language was incredibly honest, especially towards her, and she realized that she was the one not being honest. She was holding back when there was no real reason to. As a result, she was depriving them both, not just of physical intimacy, but of honesty with him and with herself about her feelings.
Resolved, she quickly shut off the laptop, putting it on the table in its designated spot. She knew she didn’t want to wait any longer and hearing the shower still running, she undressed quickly and walked towards the bathroom without a single thought of hesitation. The humid air and cool tiles in the bathroom caressed her bare skin as she reached the shower stall, knowing John was there. Unintentionally, she felt her heart beat faster, anticipating his reaction. Still, an unbidden part of her longed to see his face.
John leaned against the shower wall, his hands flat against the tile and his head bowed with eyes closed as the water sprayed down his neck and back. The warm water soothed aching muscles but the lull of Elizabeth, warm and comfortable in bed, was enough to make him reach to shut off the water. His movements froze when he heard her voice, impossibly close, whispering his name.
Turning his head and blinking through the water, he felt his breath catch and stop at the sight of Elizabeth, naked at the shower stall entrance. She was more beautiful than even his imagination, with her skin looking incredibly soft, and the humidity tightening her hair into curls around her face. His body was well ahead of him, his mind still shocked that she has come to him in the shower, and he fought the extreme urge to pull her against him, to ignore the time, location, place, or circumstances.
“Elizabeth, what are you doing?” he asked, his voice strangled as he looked at her. Hearing the distress in his voice and better at interpreting it than anyone, she took a step closer to him, knowing now exactly where he was in the shower. He took a step back and swallowed with difficulty as she stepped under the spray, the water falling in rivets down her body.
“I know why I’ve been holding back, but I just realized how stupid it was and how wrong. How could I pull away from you, of all people? I don’t want to wait for my sight to return because that may never happen. And whether I’m able to see again or if I’m like this the rest of my life, it doesn’t and can’t change how I feel about you. And it doesn’t change how much I want to be with you.”
John imagined that if she could see him, she might have laughed at the desperate look on his face. His heart and mind warred with his body. He knew Elizabeth didn’t make decisions lightly, but he didn’t want her to make one she would regret. And certainly not a decision about him that she might regret. But he really, really wanted to feel her skin against his and he didn’t know if he was humanly able to resist her when she was standing naked in front of him, offering herself to him in the most personal way she could.
“Elizabeth . . .“
“John,” she stopped him cold with her tone, commanding his attention.
“Stop thinking and kiss me.”
Knowing there was no way he could resist and realizing she’d known that all along, he reached for her, allowing himself a few precious seconds to marvel at her smooth skin under his hand, and allowing his hands to drift lightly from her hips to her waist, up her sides, skimming her breasts as one hand traced her collarbone while the other ran down her shoulder to her arm and then her hand, twining her fingers with his. Watching her closely, he saw her shiver under his touch and, his resolve shattered as he lowered his head to hers and kissed her hungrily, ignoring the spray of the water as it drenched them both.
His knees nearly buckled as she engulfed him in her arms, bringing their bodies flush against each other. To steady himself, he pushed her against the shower wall, careful not to put too much weight against her. He managed to catch his breath for an instant until she lifted a leg, hooking her calf around his and bringing him impossibly closer to where he wanted to be.
“I’m not going to last very long if you keep doing things like that,” he murmured in her ear. She smiled against his neck and nipped at his earlobe.
“Who says I want you to last very long?” she replied. He groaned as she rubbed the length of her body against him and gritted his teeth, managing to reign in his control and pull back from her a little.
“I just don’t want you to be disappointed,” he admitted. And he knew by the look on her face that she understood. This wasn’t just about sex, not with them. It went deeper for them both. They weren’t novices with the act, but it was more important that they were novices with each other.
Turning off the water, he took her hand and led her into the main part of the bathroom, handing her a towel. She began to dry off and he quickly rubbed the moisture from his skin and hair, finishing before she did. Taking the towel from her hands, he finished drying her carefully, his eyes following his hands as they drifted over her. When he was done, he glanced at her face, pleased to see the blatant desire there. Although she couldn’t see his reaction to her, he tried to show her with his touch.
She responded willingly, pulling him close again. John reflected wryly that at the rate they were going, they would never make it to the bed. Resolved, he guided her back, feeling the foot of the bed as it hit the back of his knees. He fell back, taking Elizabeth with him and she landed on top of him, laughing. His laughter joined hers and he smiled up at her, her hair falling around both their heads in a dark curtain. He memorized the smile on her face, the sparkle in her eyes, and the flush of her cheeks. They hadn’t often had such moments of unadulterated happiness, and he wanted to capture it visually for both of them. One hand stole up to cup her face and he leaned up, meeting her lips in a kiss that turned deep and urgent in a hurry.
And when he gently turned her over, covering his long body with hers, he stopped for a second to marvel at how well they fit together. She didn’t allow him much time for reflection, and soon all he could think about was every sense in his body that she brought alive by her touch, her entire body enfolding his, and the sounds of their voices and breathing as they quickened and met.
********
It was a long time before coherent thought returned to John’s brain.
Even as it did, it came only in snatches at first. At some point, he realized he’d pulled Elizabeth to him, spooning her from the back, their bodies still humming. She was warm against his quickly cooling skin, and she didn’t seem to mind that his arms engulfed her, one around her waist and the other crossing her chest so that his hand laid loosely at her collar bone.
Tired but content, his fingers traced light patterns over her skin, and her fingers returned the caress on his forearm. He buried his nose into the back of her neck, nuzzling and breathing the scent of her in. It was like he still couldn’t get enough of touching and smelling her.
He closed his eyes, trying to imagine all the sensations he was feeling without sight, as she did. It was hard to conjure in his mind. The look on her face as he entered her, the way her eyes widened and how she reached for him were burned into his brain.
He was fascinated with how his skin looked next to hers. She was a little paler than he was, and her hair was finer and lighter. She seemed so much softer than he that he wondered if his courser skin and hair was abrasive. But as she turned over to face him, rubbing her face against his and against the pervasive five o’clock shadow on his jaw, he concluded she liked the feeling.
Her content sigh in his ear would make any man with an ego feel overconfident, but the feeling was mutual, and he suspected deep down that the reason why was because he couldn’t imagine anyone meaning as much to him, couldn’t imagine any single person’s happiness, health, and safety being as important to him as hers.
“You know I love you, right?”
The words were out before he could even think to vocalize them, his tone thankfully quiet and truthful instead of a rush of blurted emotions. Elizabeth reached up to touch his face, her fingers threading into the hair at the back of his neck, pulling him close for a gentle kiss. As she pulled back, a bright, wide smile lit her face.
“Yes, I did know that.”
Imagining the earnest expression on his face, she couldn’t help but smile, and she realized that although she still imagined how he looked at her, she didn’t long for it in the same way. She was delighted at his words, but not surprised. Although there had been plenty of uncertainty a few weeks ago about their relationship, there was no doubt in her mind after all they’d been through.
“Good,” he replied, watching her carefully. More than anything he was relieved to have said the words. Words were often a formality, but some things should be said, no matter how unspoken. And although his declaration didn’t necessarily need an answer, he couldn’t help but hope for one, even if he still wasn’t sure he deserved it.
“Just as I love you.”
He couldn’t help but be surprised at her words. Not since his mother died had anyone said they loved him and really meant it. And women as smart as Elizabeth usually didn’t end up with guys like him. Ever since meeting Elizabeth, joining the Atlantis expedition, and running the city alongside her, he’d considered himself incredibly lucky. Realizing along the way that Elizabeth considered him her friend and confidant had been a pleasant surprise. Seeing her trust in him, her courage during their capture, and her strength in the aftermath had floored him. But he was finally starting to believe it all.
“You do?” he asked, wincing as those words were blurted out of his mouth without much thought. Her face turned somber and her eyes serious, even as they were unseeing. She stroked his face with gentle fingers.
“Very much.”
John hadn’t always been the quickest to react to emotional situations. In military matters he had no problem coming to conclusions and formulating a plan with ease and swiftness. But this . . . It had somehow taken him a little while to understand how important he was to Elizabeth. His feelings for her were clear in his mind. Now though, looking at her, he understood that he was the most important thing in her world, too. She was his, and no one else had ever, or would likely ever, see her as he did.
And he wasn’t planning on ever letting that change.
TBC