Author's Chapter Notes: Someone forces John to confront his feelings
CHAPTER 16
Rose was thankful that Elizabeth had fallen into a relatively peaceful sleep. She had been thinking over the conversation she’d just had with Elizabeth, realising it was going to be a long time if ever before Elizabeth fully recovered. If only John would find it in his heart to forgive Elizabeth, then and only then, would her daughter stand a chance of finding happiness once again. Rose knew that Elizabeth would never give John any reason to doubt her again if he were to accept her back into his life.
She was startled out of her thoughts as Carson came along side Elizabeth’s bed side.
“So my favourite patient has finally given into the call of sleep,” Carson asked quietly, careful of disturbing Elizabeth.
Rose got up to join Carson, wanting to ensure they wouldn’t be overhead if Elizabeth awakened from her sleep.
“Eventually,” replied Rose. “Carson she was exhausted, she is still having a hard time sleeping. Whenever she shuts her eyes, the memories of that night return to haunt her. I think the only reason she has succumbed to sleep this time, is because she’s worn out and she also knows l am here to protect her.”
Carson nodded, “yes l have been speaking to her about it. She really needs to see a psychologist to help her work through her feelings but she blatantly refuses.” Carson ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “Rose I don’t know whether you may have more success in trying to persuade her. If not the only alternative is to take away her right of choice, on the grounds that her denial, is detrimental to her recovery. I don’t want to resort to that however, not unless it’s absolutely necessary. It would only cause her more distress and possibly alienate her.”
Rose acknowledged the dilemma they faced. “I understand Carson, something has to be done; Elizabeth needs help even if she doesn’t want to accept it. I will have a word with her about it, when she has rested.
“Hopefully she will listen to you Rose, it would be a huge step in her recovery, if she were to find a way of dealing with the repulsion and terror she is feeling,” said Carson.
“What about the treatment you were speaking about earlier, when are you going to speak to Elizabeth about that,” asked Rose, although she couldn’t stop the cold shiver that ran down her back, as she thought what this would mean for Elizabeth.
“Well actually that’s what l came to speak to Elizabeth about,” replied Carson sadly. “Rose l know it’s not going to be at all pleasant for her. I wish there was another way but unfortunately theirs not.”
Rose nodded her head sadly. “I know you wouldn’t cause Elizabeth any more suffering, unless it was truly necessary. I just wish there was another way, the thought of Elizabeth suffering even more... ”
At that moment the very person they were discussing started to stir. Both doctor and visitor shared a quick glance, each thinking the same. Wishing Carson didn’t have to deliver the news that would result in more distress for the one person who had suffered so much already. Wishing they could put of this moment whilst knowing in reality it had to be done.
Rose whispered quietly, “Carson would you rather l stayed, whilst you explain to Elizabeth about the treatment.”
Carson shook his head. “No its okay, It’s probably best that l discuss this with Elizabeth alone, if that’s okay.”
“That’s Okay Carson, l agree with you” Rose acknowledged. “I’ll just let Elizabeth know, that l will be back later.”
Rose walked back over to Elizabeth’s bed. “Darling, Carson wants to have a word with you, so l am just going to take the chance to go and freshen up slightly. Don’t worry l will be back shortly okay.”
Elizabeth nodded sleepily,”okay mum, you won’t be too long will you though...?”
“I promise l will be gone and back before you even notice,” replied Rose gently. Rose bent down and kissed her daughter lovingly, before saying her farewells to Carson, and leaving him to deliver the unpleasant news to Elizabeth. Her intention, now that she had some free time on her hands, was to pay someone a visit, and by god he was going to listen to her.
Carson sat gently on the bed and softly grasped hold of Elizabeth’s hand. “Well lass, I’m happy to say your injuries are healing well. However we really need to help the muscles in your legs become stronger, if you are going to have any chance of walking again.”
Elizabeth looked at Carson, a worried expression on her face. She didn’t like the sound of this. “What... do you mean Carson?”
Well now that the traction has been removed and your fractures are healing well it’s time we commenced the next step. The physiotherapist will be working with you, to see how we can improve your chances of walking again. I have to forewarn you though lass, it’s going to be a long and painful process. We will try and deal with the pain, by regulating your analgesia...
Elizabeth eyes were wide with fear as she cried softly, “No... Carson!”
Carson sighed, wishing he didn’t have to do this, but knowing there was no other way. He had to be firm with Elizabeth, would have to insist this went ahead, against Elizabeth’s wishes if necessary. “Lass there is no other option we have to start these exercises and soon.”
Elizabeth was sobbing now. “Please... Carson it’s too soon. It will be too painful; I’m not ready for that yet. Carson please don’t...”
Carson felt dreadful having to insist on it, “Elizabeth l am sorry but the longer we delay, the lower your chances of regaining some use of your legs become. I can’t deny it’s going to be painful, but it will get better l promise you.”
Gathering Elizabeth into his arms, Carson tried to offer her some comfort “come on its going to be okay. It will be worth all the pain when you take you first steps again. Just you wait and see.”
“When do I have to start?” Elizabeth was quieter, but still visibly distressed.
“Tomorrow...” sighed Carson, knowing this would further upset Elizabeth.
“Why does it have to be so soon,” cried Elizabeth “can’t you give me a few more days?”
“No as l said, the sooner we get started, the better your chances will be.” Carson hated that he had to be so firm with Elizabeth He knew a couple more days wouldn’t have made any difference but he also knew Elizabeth. If he agreed to her wish, by granting a few days reprieve, she would just worry about it anyway.
Carson sat with Elizabeth, until she eventually fell once more into an exhausted sleep. He stood up but watched over her for a moment. Sighing in despair, Carson wishing there was something that could be done, to relieve the horrific events, Elizabeth had to endure.
Looking at his watch Carson was shocked at the time. Jack had called earlier and had arranged to see him. Although Jack hadn’t specified what it was about, the tone of his voice had been enough for Carson to speculate it was something of important. What it could be Carson had no idea.
He realised he would just have enough time to get a quick cup of coffee be for Jack arrived. With a last glance at Elizabeth, to pacify himself she was still sleeping peaceful, Carson left, but not before instructing the nurses, to notify him immediately, if Elizabeth showed any visible signs of distress.
Rose had finally tracked down the person she wanted to speak, to after his friends kindly pointed her in the right direction, wishing her luck as they knew without asking what it was about.
John was in the gym working out when Rose entered. He was trying to get some relief from his pent up emotions, but so far nothing seemed to be working. Elizabeth seemed to consume his thoughts night and day. He couldn’t remember when he last had a decent night’s sleep. He knew if he continued like this something would have to give, and so had come to a decision. The only one he saw open to him. He was going to return to Atlantis, it was the only way of maintaining his sanity.
John turned round and stopped as the door opened, then sighed when he saw who it was. “Rose...”
“That looks like some work out, you’ve been given yourself son” said Rose
“I am trying to work through a few things, sometimes this helps” answered John.
Rose observed John, noting his pained expression. “And tell me truthfully John, has it helped any or are you still searching for answers.
John was silent for a moment, and then dropped his eyes to the floor. “No its not... but I think you already realise it.”
Rose felt only compassion for John, despite how much her daughter was hurting because of John’s absence. She instinctively knew John was a good person, kind and loyal. It was also obvious to her, that John was a man, who had difficulty in dealing with his emotions. Rose also knew John was a victim in this mess just as much as Elizabeth was. “Talk to me John, tell me how you are truly feeling. Don’t hold back, just because I am Elizabeth’s mother.”
John hesitated for a moment before looking up. He didn’t like to discuss his feeling with anybody preferring to keep them to himself, to deal with them alone. For some reason though, he felt comforted slightly, by Rose’s presence. Suddenly he felt here was a person he could be open and honest with, someone who wouldn’t judge him, even though her daughter was in so much pain, because of him. He had never felt this at ease with anyone before apart from Elizabeth. The very thought of Elizabeth brought the stabbing pain back to his chest.
“John...” Rose began. “Lad l know that you are hurting and probably don’t feel like talking, but it may just help you deal with things better. Make them clearer.”
John hesitated for a moment staring at the floor before to coming to a decision. Then as he opened his mouth all the feelings, all the hurt every single emotion that had been held back came flooding out as if the dam that held them back had disintegrated. “I thought I could deal with the situation, kept telling myself I don’t feel anything for her anymore that, she had destroyed all the love that I had for her.”
John looked up at Rose his eyes glistening with unshed tears. Rose could see how much John needed this release, but she also saw the pain and heartache it was causing him. “Rose I thought... l really thought because of this that, just maybe, l could be of some use to Elizabeth. Possibly help her get through this. I wanted to offer her friendship, to see if this would allow her the chance to get better, enable her to get on with her life.”
John stopped briefly before continuing. “But I can’t do it Rose, it hurts too much. Its brings all the hurt, the disappointment all the dark anger , so much so that l feel it turning me into someone l don’t like. Someone l have only managed to vanquish. Rose l don’t want to become that person again. I can’t go down that road a second time. I barely survived the first time.”
Rose laid a hand on John’s arm, trying to offer him some comfort, she didn’t say a word however knowing it wasn’t time for that yet. There was still more John needed of his chest, so she waited patiently for him to continue.
John looked at Rose with tear filled eyes. “Rose when l saw Elizabeth... l felt my heart was slowly being torn apart. The sight of her lying there so broken, so badly beaten, l just wanted to gather her into my arms. To tell her that no one would ever harm her again, to protect her from everything that is bad and rotten in this world.”
Rose looked at John in confusion “John if that how you felt, then what’s changed that you can’t offer that protection now.”
“Because l came to realise that l couldn’t protect her from myself. That l would be the one who would inflict more pain and heartache on her.” John replied in anguish.
“Why on earth, makes you think that John. All l can see is how much you obviously care for Elizabeth. How will that care cause her more heartache?”
Rose l know it, because the hurt and betrayal l felt are still there. They will eventually return to haunt me, and l know when they do, it will not only be myself that will suffer, it will be Elizabeth also. So you see Rose, how can l promise to protect her, when l will be the one responsible for causing her more heartache.”
Rose looked at John long and hard, taking in his suffering. She could also tell that the suffering was caused by one emotion alone, an emotion that he continued to deny to himself. The same emotion he felt, but stubbornly refused to acknowledge, the first time he found Elizabeth lying so desperately ill that day in the hospital. An emotion that Rose wondered even now whether he would admit to “John answer me one thing look deep into your heart and tell me, do you still love my daughter”
Startled John stared a Rose in shock, but recognition finally appearing in his eyes, in his expression. The reason for his present anguish, suddenly, becomes shockingly clear. “You knew... all along Rose. You could tell something that l didn’t want to think about, never mind acknowledge. You knew... you know the reason that l can’t bear to be with Elizabeth is because yes... l still love her...”
“Yes John l realised you still loved my daughter that first day in the hospital. As we sat with her, not knowing if we were going to lose her, l could see the love, not only in your eyes, but in your despair that equalled mine.” Rose took hold of both John hands and looked up into his eyes. “That is why you are still suffering John and running away from it won’t help. Only by dealing with it properly will you find the answer you desperately long for. No one but you can do that John, no one can tell you what’s the right thing for you to do. That decision rests entirely with you.
Rose turned to leave, but stopped for a moment, pondering whether to tell him the other thing she was certain about. Her decision made she turned round briefly “One other thing l feel you should be told, before leaving you to come to a decision. I know without any doubt my daughter is still head over heels in love with you,”
With that the door swung shut as Rose made her exit, leaving a dumbfounded Colonel Sheppard to ponder on her last words.
Rose was thankful that Elizabeth had fallen into a relatively peaceful sleep. She had been thinking over the conversation she’d just had with Elizabeth, realising it was going to be a long time if ever before Elizabeth fully recovered. If only John would find it in his heart to forgive Elizabeth, then and only then, would her daughter stand a chance of finding happiness once again. Rose knew that Elizabeth would never give John any reason to doubt her again if he were to accept her back into his life.
She was startled out of her thoughts as Carson came along side Elizabeth’s bed side.
“So my favourite patient has finally given into the call of sleep,” Carson asked quietly, careful of disturbing Elizabeth.
Rose got up to join Carson, wanting to ensure they wouldn’t be overhead if Elizabeth awakened from her sleep.
“Eventually,” replied Rose. “Carson she was exhausted, she is still having a hard time sleeping. Whenever she shuts her eyes, the memories of that night return to haunt her. I think the only reason she has succumbed to sleep this time, is because she’s worn out and she also knows l am here to protect her.”
Carson nodded, “yes l have been speaking to her about it. She really needs to see a psychologist to help her work through her feelings but she blatantly refuses.” Carson ran his hand through his hair in frustration. “Rose I don’t know whether you may have more success in trying to persuade her. If not the only alternative is to take away her right of choice, on the grounds that her denial, is detrimental to her recovery. I don’t want to resort to that however, not unless it’s absolutely necessary. It would only cause her more distress and possibly alienate her.”
Rose acknowledged the dilemma they faced. “I understand Carson, something has to be done; Elizabeth needs help even if she doesn’t want to accept it. I will have a word with her about it, when she has rested.
“Hopefully she will listen to you Rose, it would be a huge step in her recovery, if she were to find a way of dealing with the repulsion and terror she is feeling,” said Carson.
“What about the treatment you were speaking about earlier, when are you going to speak to Elizabeth about that,” asked Rose, although she couldn’t stop the cold shiver that ran down her back, as she thought what this would mean for Elizabeth.
“Well actually that’s what l came to speak to Elizabeth about,” replied Carson sadly. “Rose l know it’s not going to be at all pleasant for her. I wish there was another way but unfortunately theirs not.”
Rose nodded her head sadly. “I know you wouldn’t cause Elizabeth any more suffering, unless it was truly necessary. I just wish there was another way, the thought of Elizabeth suffering even more... ”
At that moment the very person they were discussing started to stir. Both doctor and visitor shared a quick glance, each thinking the same. Wishing Carson didn’t have to deliver the news that would result in more distress for the one person who had suffered so much already. Wishing they could put of this moment whilst knowing in reality it had to be done.
Rose whispered quietly, “Carson would you rather l stayed, whilst you explain to Elizabeth about the treatment.”
Carson shook his head. “No its okay, It’s probably best that l discuss this with Elizabeth alone, if that’s okay.”
“That’s Okay Carson, l agree with you” Rose acknowledged. “I’ll just let Elizabeth know, that l will be back later.”
Rose walked back over to Elizabeth’s bed. “Darling, Carson wants to have a word with you, so l am just going to take the chance to go and freshen up slightly. Don’t worry l will be back shortly okay.”
Elizabeth nodded sleepily,”okay mum, you won’t be too long will you though...?”
“I promise l will be gone and back before you even notice,” replied Rose gently. Rose bent down and kissed her daughter lovingly, before saying her farewells to Carson, and leaving him to deliver the unpleasant news to Elizabeth. Her intention, now that she had some free time on her hands, was to pay someone a visit, and by god he was going to listen to her.
Carson sat gently on the bed and softly grasped hold of Elizabeth’s hand. “Well lass, I’m happy to say your injuries are healing well. However we really need to help the muscles in your legs become stronger, if you are going to have any chance of walking again.”
Elizabeth looked at Carson, a worried expression on her face. She didn’t like the sound of this. “What... do you mean Carson?”
Well now that the traction has been removed and your fractures are healing well it’s time we commenced the next step. The physiotherapist will be working with you, to see how we can improve your chances of walking again. I have to forewarn you though lass, it’s going to be a long and painful process. We will try and deal with the pain, by regulating your analgesia...
Elizabeth eyes were wide with fear as she cried softly, “No... Carson!”
Carson sighed, wishing he didn’t have to do this, but knowing there was no other way. He had to be firm with Elizabeth, would have to insist this went ahead, against Elizabeth’s wishes if necessary. “Lass there is no other option we have to start these exercises and soon.”
Elizabeth was sobbing now. “Please... Carson it’s too soon. It will be too painful; I’m not ready for that yet. Carson please don’t...”
Carson felt dreadful having to insist on it, “Elizabeth l am sorry but the longer we delay, the lower your chances of regaining some use of your legs become. I can’t deny it’s going to be painful, but it will get better l promise you.”
Gathering Elizabeth into his arms, Carson tried to offer her some comfort “come on its going to be okay. It will be worth all the pain when you take you first steps again. Just you wait and see.”
“When do I have to start?” Elizabeth was quieter, but still visibly distressed.
“Tomorrow...” sighed Carson, knowing this would further upset Elizabeth.
“Why does it have to be so soon,” cried Elizabeth “can’t you give me a few more days?”
“No as l said, the sooner we get started, the better your chances will be.” Carson hated that he had to be so firm with Elizabeth He knew a couple more days wouldn’t have made any difference but he also knew Elizabeth. If he agreed to her wish, by granting a few days reprieve, she would just worry about it anyway.
Carson sat with Elizabeth, until she eventually fell once more into an exhausted sleep. He stood up but watched over her for a moment. Sighing in despair, Carson wishing there was something that could be done, to relieve the horrific events, Elizabeth had to endure.
Looking at his watch Carson was shocked at the time. Jack had called earlier and had arranged to see him. Although Jack hadn’t specified what it was about, the tone of his voice had been enough for Carson to speculate it was something of important. What it could be Carson had no idea.
He realised he would just have enough time to get a quick cup of coffee be for Jack arrived. With a last glance at Elizabeth, to pacify himself she was still sleeping peaceful, Carson left, but not before instructing the nurses, to notify him immediately, if Elizabeth showed any visible signs of distress.
Rose had finally tracked down the person she wanted to speak, to after his friends kindly pointed her in the right direction, wishing her luck as they knew without asking what it was about.
John was in the gym working out when Rose entered. He was trying to get some relief from his pent up emotions, but so far nothing seemed to be working. Elizabeth seemed to consume his thoughts night and day. He couldn’t remember when he last had a decent night’s sleep. He knew if he continued like this something would have to give, and so had come to a decision. The only one he saw open to him. He was going to return to Atlantis, it was the only way of maintaining his sanity.
John turned round and stopped as the door opened, then sighed when he saw who it was. “Rose...”
“That looks like some work out, you’ve been given yourself son” said Rose
“I am trying to work through a few things, sometimes this helps” answered John.
Rose observed John, noting his pained expression. “And tell me truthfully John, has it helped any or are you still searching for answers.
John was silent for a moment, and then dropped his eyes to the floor. “No its not... but I think you already realise it.”
Rose felt only compassion for John, despite how much her daughter was hurting because of John’s absence. She instinctively knew John was a good person, kind and loyal. It was also obvious to her, that John was a man, who had difficulty in dealing with his emotions. Rose also knew John was a victim in this mess just as much as Elizabeth was. “Talk to me John, tell me how you are truly feeling. Don’t hold back, just because I am Elizabeth’s mother.”
John hesitated for a moment before looking up. He didn’t like to discuss his feeling with anybody preferring to keep them to himself, to deal with them alone. For some reason though, he felt comforted slightly, by Rose’s presence. Suddenly he felt here was a person he could be open and honest with, someone who wouldn’t judge him, even though her daughter was in so much pain, because of him. He had never felt this at ease with anyone before apart from Elizabeth. The very thought of Elizabeth brought the stabbing pain back to his chest.
“John...” Rose began. “Lad l know that you are hurting and probably don’t feel like talking, but it may just help you deal with things better. Make them clearer.”
John hesitated for a moment staring at the floor before to coming to a decision. Then as he opened his mouth all the feelings, all the hurt every single emotion that had been held back came flooding out as if the dam that held them back had disintegrated. “I thought I could deal with the situation, kept telling myself I don’t feel anything for her anymore that, she had destroyed all the love that I had for her.”
John looked up at Rose his eyes glistening with unshed tears. Rose could see how much John needed this release, but she also saw the pain and heartache it was causing him. “Rose I thought... l really thought because of this that, just maybe, l could be of some use to Elizabeth. Possibly help her get through this. I wanted to offer her friendship, to see if this would allow her the chance to get better, enable her to get on with her life.”
John stopped briefly before continuing. “But I can’t do it Rose, it hurts too much. Its brings all the hurt, the disappointment all the dark anger , so much so that l feel it turning me into someone l don’t like. Someone l have only managed to vanquish. Rose l don’t want to become that person again. I can’t go down that road a second time. I barely survived the first time.”
Rose laid a hand on John’s arm, trying to offer him some comfort, she didn’t say a word however knowing it wasn’t time for that yet. There was still more John needed of his chest, so she waited patiently for him to continue.
John looked at Rose with tear filled eyes. “Rose when l saw Elizabeth... l felt my heart was slowly being torn apart. The sight of her lying there so broken, so badly beaten, l just wanted to gather her into my arms. To tell her that no one would ever harm her again, to protect her from everything that is bad and rotten in this world.”
Rose looked at John in confusion “John if that how you felt, then what’s changed that you can’t offer that protection now.”
“Because l came to realise that l couldn’t protect her from myself. That l would be the one who would inflict more pain and heartache on her.” John replied in anguish.
“Why on earth, makes you think that John. All l can see is how much you obviously care for Elizabeth. How will that care cause her more heartache?”
Rose l know it, because the hurt and betrayal l felt are still there. They will eventually return to haunt me, and l know when they do, it will not only be myself that will suffer, it will be Elizabeth also. So you see Rose, how can l promise to protect her, when l will be the one responsible for causing her more heartache.”
Rose looked at John long and hard, taking in his suffering. She could also tell that the suffering was caused by one emotion alone, an emotion that he continued to deny to himself. The same emotion he felt, but stubbornly refused to acknowledge, the first time he found Elizabeth lying so desperately ill that day in the hospital. An emotion that Rose wondered even now whether he would admit to “John answer me one thing look deep into your heart and tell me, do you still love my daughter”
Startled John stared a Rose in shock, but recognition finally appearing in his eyes, in his expression. The reason for his present anguish, suddenly, becomes shockingly clear. “You knew... all along Rose. You could tell something that l didn’t want to think about, never mind acknowledge. You knew... you know the reason that l can’t bear to be with Elizabeth is because yes... l still love her...”
“Yes John l realised you still loved my daughter that first day in the hospital. As we sat with her, not knowing if we were going to lose her, l could see the love, not only in your eyes, but in your despair that equalled mine.” Rose took hold of both John hands and looked up into his eyes. “That is why you are still suffering John and running away from it won’t help. Only by dealing with it properly will you find the answer you desperately long for. No one but you can do that John, no one can tell you what’s the right thing for you to do. That decision rests entirely with you.
Rose turned to leave, but stopped for a moment, pondering whether to tell him the other thing she was certain about. Her decision made she turned round briefly “One other thing l feel you should be told, before leaving you to come to a decision. I know without any doubt my daughter is still head over heels in love with you,”
With that the door swung shut as Rose made her exit, leaving a dumbfounded Colonel Sheppard to ponder on her last words.
Chapter End Notes: next chapter Jack and Carson come to a startling realization. john struggles to come to a decision he wont regret.